Phone a friend, 50/50, Ask the Audience

I am human. My being is comprised of fifty percent regenerated spirit and fifty percent sinful flesh. I make stupid decisions that are centered on everything around me except the cross of Christ. I quickly fall into a mindset trapped by the lust of my own flesh. Everything that I am sets out to destroy me while everything inside of me screams no. My spirit does not like it in the least bit.

The classic battle of the Christian.

It's something I cannot get off of my mind lately. I am fairly certain my last post was about the very same thing- Romans 7, waging war.

I am frustrated. I had lots of ideas for my next post having gone to New York City this past weekend, Christmas on its way, and countless other seemingly significant happenings. However, this post will be one very down to earth, much like the others.

I made a mistake this past week (surprise!). There is no way to justify my decision or sugar up the situation, but long story short, I left a few people very disappointed. Now I find myself lying in the bed I made for myself, worried that I have hurt someone in a way greater than I even understand myself. While I deal with this recent "crisis," I also find myself at war with countless other situations- ones that will probably fight me as long as I wear this earth suit. But, I am an adult. These things do not simply get better over time- they only get bitter if left to simmer in their own juices.

Do you ever just wish that you could make something better? You approach the person you hurt with apologies, but they do not seem to be enough. You plead, you beg, you wallow and yet, nothing changes. This is real life. This is when you have to simply back off and wait- wait on the Lord. (Another something to add to the list of current ramblings in my brain.) They do not accept you, or maybe they do, but they need more time or need to work on themselves first. Either way, you are left on the end of the phone with nothing but a dial tone- no sign of remaining life.

That's where I am at the moment. Wondering, "Where is the grace?" A double-edged question for sure. Where was the grace in my decision to drop plans I had made? Sure, I could make my case for being worn down (my own fault of course because I do not know how to say "no" to people). I could bring into my case for innocence other problems in my life that might cause me a fight in carrying out commitment. Or expectations or gas or the economy or Joe Schmoe down the street or whatever! But, where is that grace in that? Where is the grace in a self-centered decision that effects others? Where is the grace in my desire to justify my actions? Where is the grace in my inability to see the hurt from another's point of view? Where is the grace in my lack of patience in allowing the ones I have hurt to come back to me? Where is the grace?

Now, I will tell you this- I am not going to air out my dirty laundry to you readers. The mistake I made was not fatal or made with the intention of hurting; however, it may prove fatal to a relationship between friends and it certainly left both parties hurting. A friendship I claimed to value yet did not prove its value in my own actions. How can I expect grace so freely given when I am slow to dish it out, also?

This whole conundrum is further solidifying for me what God has been teaching me lately: While I cannot attain the standard of perfection that is required by God (and lots of times, people), I AM covered in His sight by the grace that was bought with the blood of Christ. I cannot expect myself to handle perfectly every situation in life; however, I can use the tools He has given us (Scripture) to dictate my next steps (and sometimes damage control efforts). I cannot expect myself to be the perfect friend or prioritize perfectly or wait on the Lord perfectly or forgive perfectly, but I am called to put aside the old Laura- the things she wanted are no more of this new being God has so graciously transformed! I also need to learn to take my own advice.

"Life isn't always what we want it to be- we can't always please everybody. The real test is in how we deal with it"


Do I really believe all of this? Am I really letting this stuff penetrate my soul and dictate my actions?

Ultimately I have learned that we are always learning. We are always growing. It is only by God's grace that we have even that. And that same grace is what we are required also to give to others. The very nature of the word grace denotes an undeserving recipient. We didn't deserve grace from God, therefore, shouldn't we be ready to share it with others that much more?! Shouldn't we let that grace motivate our steps and fuel our devotion?

I pray that He helps me to daily put away the old Laura- pride and all- and let His work in me take full effect. I am thankful that He uses my mistakes to teach me a thing or two about life and I am happy to share it with you.

simul justus et peccator

"simultaneously justified and sinful"

Love in Christ,

Laura

See-through

I will be the first to tell you that I am not perfect; however, on the inside, there is a still, small voice that never leaves. It is the sound of me telling myself that perfection is the only option; nothing else is good enough.

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"                                                    Jeremiah 17:9

This is the struggle I face. The outcome is this: because I too quickly seek perfection before I seek God's will and direction, I stumble and fall. I refuse to get up and "do" at times because I know that I will not be perfect right off the bat. For example, I have a love/hate relationship with running (as most do). I hate the running part, but I love accomplishing goals and feeling healthy. However, because I do know how hard it is for me to build up the endurance to even run one mile without stopping, I choose to "do it later," or "wait," or simply ignore it and not do it all. Because I know that getting back out there will hurt my lungs, legs, and head, I refuse to do it. It takes effort to get better; I simply cannot go out and run a mile without first putting in the work for it. The desire for perfection stands in between me and my goals. Who I want to be in my head does not resonate well with the real me; They are two completely different people.

Similarly, my spiritual life can suffer because of this battle. If I don't pick up my Bible for a couple of days, those days can turn into weeks, and those weeks sometimes turn into months. I feel guilty, unworthy and the cycle ensues. It's a sad situation to have the truth and solutions laid out in front of you and simply refuse them. Oh flesh.

The misconception that Christians have it easy is not a Biblical idea in the least bit; Romans will literally smack that notion right out of your mind. The spirit-flesh war in the lives of Christians is addressed most ferociously by Paul, who admits to the struggle within himself. Verses like Romans 7:14-15, 8: 18-21, etc., show us that the struggle is ongoing and is only relieved by the assurance of our salvation found in a loving God. (Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Romans 8:35).
While the unsaved have this misinformed view of an easy life for Christians due to a couple of holy stones carved with rules, Christians do not make the matter any easier on one other. Among church congregations, people hold each other to a level of quiet perfection. Underneath the shallow portrayal of the Christian life within the church is a whispering among us. We watch each other, analyze and judge though Scripture warns against it (James 2). The bond of unity is slowly chipped away with a chisel named Gossip and a pick named Shame. I try to avoid cliches as much as possible and along with that, song lyric doctrine; however, Casting Crown's song Stained Glass Masquerade is a very accurate picture of the American church today. Everyone of us, whether saved or not carries with us hurts, pain, sin. The only difference is that Christians are called to cast their burdens on Christ, who is more than willing to take them. Why is it that we are petitioned to let go of these things that chain us within in our relationship with Christ, however, we hold on to them so tightly among the midst of fellow believers? This mentality is damaging and the effects of hiding ourselves, masking our sin and leading the life of a double-minded man has unfortunately lasting effects on the congregation, as well as individual relationships. This leads to a lack of relate-ability, discipleship, and the biggest loss- growth in the heart.

When will we break the bond of extreme views and simply be Biblical believers? When will the church come to grips with its depravity without being hyper-Calvinistic? Likewise, when will the church find joy in the redeeming love of Christ without being a smiley mega-church? When will we accept that we WILL miss the mark while also accepting Christ's love and rescuing for our souls. And no matter how well we accept this in our one-on-one relationships with Christ, if we do not accept it among each other, how will WE grow and how will we REACH others for Christ? Love cannot grow in isolation.

"The Christian life is to be growth, right? But your Christian life doesn't go on a line like this. You know how it goes? It goes up and down. How do I know that? Because that's how mine goes. You see, it's when you dip down that you start learning lessons that push you up again. Then you fail a little bit and God teaches you lessons through discipline or trial and up you go again. It goes like that."                                               J. MacArthur


We are going to struggle. We are going to fail. When Jesus died, he bore the complete wrath of God towards ALL sin. His work was a finished work. This means that your sins from the past, present, and the sins you have yet to commit are all completely covered and forgotten in the eyes of God. So this struggle we as Christians daily face is nothing to be ashamed of. It is something that we should be encouraging each other about, lifting one another up, offering godly council and discipleship. We are a fallen people- but we don't have to let that be our defeat because the victory is already one. Sin is a destroyer; Unity will rebuild. Don't hide from each other the very things that connect you as brothers and sisters in Christ.

simul justus et peccator

"simultaneously justified and sinful"

Love in Christ,

Laura

Oh, Stubborn Human That I Am!

It's gonna get real here for a minute, folks!

I am stubborn, oh, so stubborn! I am rebellious. Under my own power, I am bent toward sin. The second I lay His precious Word aside, my back turns to His love and runs. I am inclined to guilt, shame, and digging deep holes of sorrow for myself. Sin is the purchase and miserable depression is the price I pay. I long for fleeting pleasure, yet it never satisfies. There is nothing in me that wants Him. My fleshly heart is overtaken by daily desires. I crave lovers less wild than He and let them claim my love. I put worthless idols on the throne of my heart and give myself over to glorifying myself.

This is a picture of my heart when the flesh wins. When the flesh wins, I am a pathetically lost creature. Under my own power, I fall and stumble. I crave and chase after the very things that will kill me and are so quick to steal away my joy. This is my heart.

Praise the Lord, Oh my soul! He Has saved me from such a sorry state of being!!! 


I cannot say it any other way, praise Him in the morning, Praise Him in the evening. He has done a great work in my heart! He has taken upon my sinful heart and changed it, even covering the sins yet to come. These sins do not claim my life, No! But the blood of my Sweet Savior has laid hold upon my longing heart. His desires have been planted and deeply rooted within my heart forever! There is no work that I can add, nor take away that will change HIS great work in me! Nothing can separate me from the the love of Christ!!! I will forever praise Him.

Lord,

Help me reflect upon YOUR great work in my heart. Help me to daily be reminded that it is not about what I do or have done in the past, but it is about what YOU have done for me. You have shown me endless grace that matches and far surpasses my sin. You have clothed me in Your love and peace and Fatherly care. Lord, let my praises never cease! Even in moments of sinful sorrow, open the eyes of my heart to see YOU and be motivated to glorify You alone! Lord, this life is so fleeting- take away my desires for it. You alone are worthy Lord, and I am Your undeserving child. Help me to know You and know Your love.

Amen


This is just what's been on my heart lately. If you have found yourself feeling lost, though you are saved, know that there is hope. He breaks us down and molds us into who He wants us to be. Our rebelliousness has bigger implications on our souls than the fleeting pleasure of sin will let on. Stay strong in the Lord- your weakness are nothing compared to the strength He imparts upon us. Keep your mind focused on His glory alone and fight the good fight of faith. Keep your eyes on the prize. ASK Him for a heart bent on His glory. ASK Him to reveal your heart. ASK Him to shape and mold You. It is His work in our hearts that brings us peace, joy and satisfaction. Thank Him, petition Him, and love Him even when you can't feel Him. He is always holding You close. You are His dearly beloved child.

simul justus et peccator

"simultaneously justified and sinful"

Love in Christ,

Laura

Four the Love of God

Today, I learned another something about myself.

Life is a progressive learning experience for me- there is no "going through the motions." I don't think I can possibly be any more emotionally attached to the stuff that fills "life" than I already am. But these things, I already know.
I also already know that I cannot take criticism well.
I know that I am capable of crying over almost everything. I cry.
I know that I could feel a ball of frustration rise up in me (PRIDE!) when I admitted the previous statement. I hate crying.
I know that I hate being alone.
I know that  I hate peace and quiet.
I know that I have a desire for deep relationships.
I know that I am bent towards searching for depth in all things, big and small.
I know that I find meaning in the silliest things.
I know that I can be dramatic sometimes.

I know a lot of what makes up me. But sometimes, I don't want to face it. But there is a need to understand it in order to grow and learn.

Today, I learned that I am a 4.

A 4?

Yes, a 4.

....Really? A 4?

....Oh....

....yeah.

...a 4....

....that's me.

The Ennenagram- one of those personality thing-y-ma-bobs. And I am am a 4 according to this mysterious thing. And it's right. So very.completely.right. Down to all of my little quirks, negative and positive.

Doesn't matter how, who, what we are. God loves us. God loves ME. . . A 4. He knows all of my ins and outs better than I ever will. He understands the (sometimes ridiculous) perspective by which I see this world.

What a struggle to understand! As I try so very hard to grasp His love, I worry about how I come across to people; Apparently, I look like a "four" right off the bat. Does it rub me the wrong way? It did at first, but since seeing my tendencies spelled out, written in words (which is the most effective way of teaching me...) it has helped me to understand where that puts me in dealing with life. It shows me where I lack and sell myself short spiritually and among relationships with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

It's interesting stuff, but the real lesson lies in my teachability. Remembering that I haven't got it all figured out it sort of pinnacle in growth, both emotionally and spiritually. I am thankful for those willing to do the very uncomfortable thing that I have been begging my brothers and sisters in Christ to do in my life- teach me. If that means calling me out, or opening up a door that leads to a conversation I would rather not have, go for it anyway. Besides, I asked for it.

So, FOUR the love of God....be there for your family. Even when it hurts you to take a risk and possibly hurt them, if it is for their own good, for their benefit and growth, take the risk. God can use anything for His glory. If we walk on egg shells around each other, egg shells bound to break regardless, what good does that do? Why not just dig a hole and wait for death to seize our bodies? (Please don't take that as a morbid statement, but understand that there is more to life than avoiding confrontation!) We're called to live our lives in unity- and as any member of a family knows, unity is pinnacle. Lack of unity is the equivalent of destruction within any body of people. We've got to have each other's backs even when the going gets tough- out of love.

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

(Ephesians 4:15-16 ESV)

Love in Christ,

Laura

Sinking Ship

"If grace is an ocean, 

 we're all sinking."

Thank God for grace. Every day that I am breathing in air (which is most days) I am keenly aware of my state of being. It makes me thankful for His grace. Facing my shortcomings in full knowledge of His grace and love is hard enough, but without His grace, facing my shortcomings might lead to the very end of me. But it is there, and it is prominent in my heart. 

I have had my share of struggles so far in life and I am well aware that there are many more to come. I have faced having to deal with long-term hurt from my biological mother. I have had to deal with the ups and downs that come with growing up, just like everyone else in this world, in unison with specifically difficult situations. I have watched family members, best friends, walk away from so much. I have watched them give themselves over to darkness completely. All around me, broken relationships, people enabling each other to live a life of empty self-satisfaction. I am still watching these things go on, as I am sure they will continue.

I have made my own mistakes- giant ones! Mistakes I am still trying to recover from. Mistakes that I was warned against, and yet, gave in to my own reasoning and desire to satisfy mySELF. 

In my heart, I have released a lot of bitterness and hatred toward those who have hurt me and who have hurt the ones I love. I have given it up as a burden to my sweet Jesus. I am not perfect- I still struggle with the normal flux of emotions that come with the very nature of these problems and struggles. However, the overbearing, controlling, and mood-dictating holds that used to burden my heart are no more. They have been lifted and tossed away. And not by my own means, either. 

It is only by the grace of my loving God that I have been able to be freed from the burden of hurt and the chains of self-indulgence. My struggles are no longer centered around what someone has done to me, or done to someone I love; however, my struggles are presently within. I struggle with grasping the fact that God loves me AS IS. I literally have no ability to accept this fact. I used to hate myself; loathe my imperfection. I hated that I couldn't just "get better." Until I found out that it isn't about "getting better." Yes, we are called to sanctification. Yes, we are called to grow in knowledge and wisdom and grace. Does this mean that God doesn't love us until we meet those standards? NO! Not at all! God loves us while we're falling. He loves us while we run away from Him. He loves us enough to chase after us, even while dragging His very name through the mud! My soul cannot grasp this. 

I can't understand it no matter what I do. But it has brought a peace to my heart like no other. I used to be so stressed when I would mess up, even when it was something petty and insignificant. Ask anyone, especially my family, I am the queen of saying "I'm sorry." ALL THE TIME. It's like some psycho defense mechanism or something- like I am constantly surrounded by my own imperfections, so I just jump to apologizing, many times, unnecessarily. 

This used to be a huge portion of my struggle, and even now it is hard to battle. It is an every day, conscious effort, to be okay with the fact that God loves me despite me. It probably has to do with the fact that I am a "doer." And I am legalistic in my tendencies. Give me instructions, a rule, something to do, and I eat it up. I love coloring in the lines. To know that God loves me no matter what I do and that I cannot make Him love me more because He already loves me as much as He possibly can leaves me with nothing to do, no rules to follow, no authority figure to please. I am the older brother from the Prodigal Son story; I follow the rules, but my heart is in the wrong place. Matt Chandler likens this picture to a parent changing their child's diaper. It's disgusting and you don't really enjoy it, but it doesn't make you love your child any less. Equally, that child really can't do anything to make you love him more. As he grows up, you'll face new messes to clean up after him- and it's expected. God knew what He was getting into when He made me His child. He knew about every mess, past, present, and future that He'd be cleaning up after me. And He has loved, is loving, and will love me the same every day before my life, every day of my life, and every day of my life past death. No matter what I do or do not do. 

Moral of the story. We can't be perfect. But rest easy. The God of the Universe brought (and bought) you into His family, as a first-born son. He knows you. He knows you'll fall, but He grabs you up into His arms, and sets you back on the path every time. His grace is SUFFICIENT. And there is NO CONDEMNATION for His beloved. So instead of fighting for perfection as I tried, realize your state and fight for HIS GLORY. That's the good fight.

"If grace is an ocean, 

we're all sinking."

Love in Christ,

Laura

Related: Check out Tim Keller's sermon, "Prodigal Sons," free on itunes! 

                Matt Chandler's Colossians sermon series, "Three Streams" sermon.

READ: Romans 6-8 (to gain a deeper understanding of the grace/law, flesh/spirit battle.)

Focus Grasshopper

"Focus, Grasshopper."

I say it all of the time. To myself, to others, it doesn't matter- I just say it. I think I might have picked it up from my dad over the years. But, alas! I am the queen of giving good advice, but not letting it soak in to my own brain. . .

Dilemma.


"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,"
                                                                                                                             (Ephesians 1:3 ESV)



"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

                                                                                                                  (Galatians 5:22-24 ESV)

These verses changed my view on the quick plea for patience that all Americans, whether saved or not, seem to whisper under their breath on a daily basis, "Lord, give me patience." Why do we pray for something we have already been blessed with? Are we denying the fact that God has already given it to us as His children? Do we call our Father a liar? Of course not, but it sure changes the way we think...
I am struggling to utilize my patience lately. Lord knows it's buried in my heart SOMEWHERE. Sometimes it's more prominent than others, but certain situations seem to scare it off. Patience seems to be a virtue much like a language- "if you don't use it you start to lose it." It seems to become dormant for certain situations, and when my patience goes dormant, my flesh shows up. . . and shows off. It jumps at every chance to act, speak, and dominate. All of these factors are under my control; I am certainly no puppet. However, the wicked desires of my heart overtake any ounce of discipline I have attained.
After reading Luke chapter four this morning before work, I was refreshed in my heart to read of Christ's temptations in the desert. Even the perfect Savior was tempted- and the devil had to make an EFFORT to tempt him. (And when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from him until an opportune time. Luke 4:13 ESV) The devil may have control over the temptation, but we have control over our responses. Like Jesus, we should be bringing ourselves under the control and discipline of God's Word. Christ responded to every temptation with the Word. And just sitting here thinking about it- I am willing to bet Satan's temptations were probably enticing to Christ. For example, Satan offered Christ the world- all of the kingdoms the Prince of Darkness had been given dominion over. I can imagine Christ, looking out upon all of the world, considering the fact that this dark, deceitful liar OWNED it all. I wonder, oh how I wonder, how did Christ's flesh react to that??? Was it hard for Him to resist? I certainly do not know, however, I do know one thing. Christ responded to Satan's petition with Scripture, warding off the sin of impatience and focused on God's promises to come. Christ showed patience in that situation. He could have accepted Satan's offer and had the whole world under His physical control again. However, He knew that His Father was carrying out a perfect will and in the end, the victory would be His and the world won over once and for all as HIS kingdom. Good things come to those who wait...

So I take this as a lesson in patience. Even though I am currently in the midst of a situation where I can see something seemingly so good in front of me, I can hear the whisper of the Spirit telling me to, "Wait patiently." I could jump the gun and ignore Him, but I have done that before, and that fleshly decision has gotten me nowhere but backwards and chained at the ankles. This time, I realize that I DO NOT know what's best for me, but my Father does. He has the hindsight that I haven't yet gained. He has a plan for me. It can only get better as I wait on the Lord, as He breaks me and molds me into the child He created me to be, I will follow in the steps of His will.
In the mean time, as I lay in bed awake, I pray that He will fill my heart with hope and encouragement. Learning how to bring your flesh under the control of discipline through His Word isn't easy. And there's no way to butter it up- sometimes, it just sucks. But, boy does it pay off. I know it does, even amidst failing my pursuit of discipline and patience, I have experienced its GREAT rewards. How much better will it get as I continue this race?!
My soul is currently restless. My mind is reeling. But my heart is nevertheless in pursuit of the heart of the very One who created me. I pray that He will continue to teach me how to make less of myself and much of Him.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and he will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

_______________________________________________________________________________

Love in Christ, 

Laura

"__________________________"

It doesn't matter how hard we try. Sometimes, our humanness gets the best of us. Well, strike that, more than "sometimes;" most times we're losing the battle against the flesh. Most times we're not only losing the battle, we're dwelling on the person we want to be instead of focusing on the person of Christ who bought you "as is." ...Or at least I am.
I live in the knowledge of my Savior's love and sacrifice daily, however, I am not perfect. I fall. A lot. And right now, I am experiencing a low. I desire things that God patiently tells me to wait for. I chase after things that look good but will turn around and hurt me in the end much like a child runs with scissors. Sometimes, my common sense is overtaken by my flesh, who guides me to sure destruction.
I say all of this because I am tired- SO TIRED- of the hypocrisy. I am tired of seeing Christians portray a life of perfection. No one is without struggle, if we don't struggle than we should be questioning our own Salvation. Similarly, what is this idea of perfection you are chasing? It is simply unattainable under your own power! At the core, we are all broken people- if not, why then would we need a savior? It isn't a sin to show your brothers and sisters in Christ that you, also, are broken down. The very brokenness we try so hard to hide, is the common denominator between ALL of us. The fact that Christ saved us despite us binds us together, and yet, with so many trying to hide it, we forfeit unity. We forfeit a functioning body of Christ for, metaphorically speaking, a paraplegic body. We forfeit showing others Who Christ REALLY is. We forfeit gaining yet a richer understanding of His love.

Freedom From Myself

Who am I? 
                                 What I have done to deserve Your great love?


    Who am I that You love me while I yet betray You?

                                 Who am I that you adopt me as YOUR child?
                   That I might call YOU "Abba, Father?"


Why me, God? Why me?


                                                   Why LOVE me even to DEATH?

"When I look at Your heavens,

the work of Your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

which You have set in place,

what is man that You are mindful of him,

and the son of man that You care for him?"

Psalm 8: 3-4

Questions that frequent my reeling mind. A smallness that reveals God's "big-ness." Sometimes these questions are humbling, sometimes empowering, sometimes a source of encouragement and strength in my own weakness. Other times these are the very questions that Satan takes the liberty of answering for me, reeling me in a dark atmosphere created by my own mind: "You are not good enough."

           "Why would He love someone like you?"     

                 

                                     "Why can't you just get it right?"

These are the responses whispered in my ear, encouraged to the point of escalation- leading to a depression and oppression, pressure on my soul, disabling me as shackles on my legs. This negative energy within myself is something I have struggled with for a long time. It used to tear me down so quickly! However, by the grace of God alone, He has freed me from this prideful cycle of self-loathment, and lifted me up out of my own weakness to prove HIS strength. 

I have been saved since I was a young kid, but to grasp God's love is never an instant comprehension. It's gradual and sometimes takes painful experiences to see a little more of it. I would suppose a deeper understanding of God's love comes with the process of sanctification. We're always growing and always learning! All this to say, I don't think I began to really understand God's love until fairly recently. I will never forget the day...

I believe it was early last summer. I was on a painting job with my brother and one of my best friends. We were painting the outer deck areas of an apartment complex so it took a couple of days. I brought my ipod because I like to work with music...and sometimes, it is simply necessary to drown out the little brother!

 As I worked along side the guys, they were ragging on me like they usually do. Unfortunately, I was very thin-skinned. I could dish it, but I couldn't take it. All of the banter and sarcasm and "make me a sandwich, woman!" comments got to me. Though  I knew they were joking, it triggered the avalanche of thoughts in my head to come tumbling down. I felt useless, like I wasn't worth anything to anybody, and not only did I feel that way, the negative thoughts in my head were telling me, convincing me that I was all of those things. So instead of realizing that this was a prideful pattern of behavior, a self-centered cry for attention, I walked to the other end of the deck to paint by myself. I plugged in my skullcandy ear buds and the background noise became non existent. 

Only by the grace of God was I not in the mood for my music that day. So I proceeded to turn on a Matt Chandler podcast. As I was painting and listening, I was slowly realizing the reality behind my reaction- I became convicted of my attitude. I asked God to forgive me and I pleaded with Him to help me understand how to turn from that way of thinking. In the meantime, Chandler was getting heated in his sermon as he usually does. (Are ya tracking with me???) He was expositing the death of Christ- picking apart every detail, every physical implication of every single thing He went through preceding and during His execution on the cross.
Chandler got so worked up about the death of Christ that my heart literally slowed down and I had to put the paintbrush down. I just stood there under the stairs of the deck, with a heart struck with awe. I could hardly stand; my knees became so weak. I hated that my sin was the reason Jesus had to go through all of that. I hated it so passionately and even more, I hated that it was IN me. However, as Chandler's tone lightened, he began to explain why Christ's death makes God's love so BIG. He began to talk about how we are going to mess up, "but that's the point of the cross!" he exclaimed. "He doesn't love some future version of you." I broke down under those stairs, on a painting job in Maryland. Insecure and unhappy with who I was, I finally saw the love of God for what it is. I finally realized the precious truth that it has nothing to do with me...but has everything to do with HIM. These are the words that ring in my ears and simmer in my heart when I fall. Not the negative, self-hating ones that tore my further and further from Christ. With Romans 5:8 echoing in my mind, I gave my heart fully over to the love of God that day. And I will never go back.

__________________________________________________________________

We are His portion and He is our prize,

                                           Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, 

When I think about, the way…

Oh, how He loves us,

Oh, how He loves!

______________________________________________________

Love in Christ,

Laura

Aware: A Hymn/Poem/Worship

Aware

Acutely aware of my smallness, it never leaves me,

    Much like Your faithful presence, from it I cannot hide.

As a child I come, helpless and begging,

    You scoop me up into Your lap, patience and guidance fill the Words You whisper in my ear.

I love to bring You joy,

   Your glory is all I see as I walk in the shadow of Your mighty steps,

"What can I do to impress You, My Father?"

    Should I spend the rest of my days singing Your praises?

        Should I show others how great You are?

           Should I follow Your Words and keep them close to my heart?

"What can I do, Oh My Sweet Father?"

"The darkness entices me, Oh Father!"

    It sets traps much like deep and hidden holes in my path.

You guide my steps, telling my heart to rely on You alone, 

    For it is You only that knows my heart.

But the traps, much like the glimpse of gold, ignite the lust of my flesh,

   I wander from the narrow path You have set for me, 

Darkness lurks, hiding his identity under the cover of pleasures,

   The eyes of my heart see treasure and my feet blindly follow.

"Oh, Father!" I cry, broken-hearted and devastated,

   "Father, I have traded Your riches for fool's gold!

I forsake Your warnings and chased after a fake,

   Father, pull my broken heart back onto Your path,

       Fix the eyes of my heart on Your glory!"

"What can I give You, what do I offer that I might deserve You, My Father?

    I am helpless in Your presence, yet You have rescued me."

Your grace; my only hope, Your mercy; my desperation,

   Your wisdom; my foolishness,Your strength; my sin.

Without You Father, lost I would continuously wander,

    Without You, there is no hope for my soul to grasp,

Without You, condemnation would follow me as the setting sun chases the West,

    Without You, my identity would be marked by foolishness all of my days.

"Set my feet on Your path to righteousness that I might glorify You in all of my days,

   Whisper Your Words of wisdom into my ear and be patient with me, Oh Father!"

"You have made for me the death of my flesh to be as new life,

    You have turned around my rebellious heart, Oh Lord!"

   

My soul shouts: "Great is the name of my Father, the Lord of heaven and earth!

   He is a faithful protector, a watcher of the ones He calls children!"

"I will sing of His great works for eternity," my heart sings,  "all of my days are for You, my Father!

   For You alone are worthy of such high honor, teach my heart to esteem You high and holy and worthy!"

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than LIFE, my lips will praise You." Psalm 63:3

    Love in Christ,

           

    Laura

 

Leave the Light on For Me

One of the most comforting sights after a long week, day, even hour, is the front light on at my house. When that front light is on, I know that I have people watching out for me. The funny thing is, those people (COUGH COUGH, parents!) probably won't read this blog. Mom's taken a Facebook hiatus and I don't think Dad is a hardcore stalker. But this blog is certainly about them.
They've been there for me one hundred percent- unwavering love and dedication to being godly parents. Not many parents accomplish that, I don't think. I am thankful they let experience teach me a few lessons, while I am also thankful they cut experience off at the pass and taught me lessons before experience could get its claws into me!
My Dad especially deserves a million and one thank-you's. He is the only person in my life that has literally been there from my first second on this earth. That thought brings me to tears sometimes- to just think about how I am so blessed to have a Dad that reflects Christ-like character. My Dad has his flaws just like everyone else and he has always let me know that- he has never tried to falsely present a life of perfection. One of my favorite quotes is one from him: "We're all jacked up." He just seems to say that at the most perfect times- just when I need to hear it. He is faithful, he is loyal, he is encouraging, he is real. And I love him. And I am forever thankful to God that He made him MY Dad. (Not to mention the fact that he's hilarious! Where do you think I get it from?!)
And my Mom. MY Mom. She knows. . . God made her my Mom for a reason- and every day I think He shows us more and more reasons why. He just knew we would need each other. She stepped in to my little world at the young age of seven. One of the most poignant and touchable memories in my mind- the day I saw her walk into my house for the first time- huge smile on her face...(That, I get from her!). From that day on, she has been dedicated, loving, patient, kind, hardcore-tell-you-like-it-is just when I needed it (Yes, I get THAT from her,too!). She's been everything I needed in a Mom and then some. She is one of my closest friends; One of the few people I can go to and just spill out what's on my mind and heart without any fear of sounding crazy or horrible. I love her so much! And I am incredibly thankful for her.
God's blessed me with a childhood that let me see both sides of everything. I've been in really terrible home situations, while I have also been blessed to have a healthy one. God really worked in my heart, even at such a young age, to teach me what was good and what was not, what was worthy and what was not, what was love and what was not. In those times, He gave me a desire to desire Him. He let my little heart see what was good and run TOWARDS it instead of away like many people do. For that, I am incredibly thankful to Him. It seems that He so perfectly planned everything- and not just the good stuff, either. He didn't just plan things perfectly around the bad stuff- He worked out everything USING the bad! I wouldn't be who I am today, or have the faith I have today if it weren't for the "bad" stuff in life! Today I can stop and take just a single moment to reflect on these things and I realize that hindsight is a beautiful thing. It reveals God's Sovereign hand in our lives. It helps us assess what we've learned. It makes us thankful for Him and the people He uses in our lives.
I find myself thanking God more and more for my parents' influence in my life as I get older. And as I have those discouraging days that throw me from one thing to the next, I always know there is a front light on. How comforting in such a dark world!

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

John 1:5 (ESV)

"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

Long time no blog. . .

Though I realize my blog does not have a posse of die-hard followers, I figure it's about time I write and catch you all up on the happenings in my small life. Besides, popularity isn't what I'm after- sharing real life experiences is what I am about. Hopefully whoever may stumble across my blog will find something meaningful, relate-able and Biblical to take from it.

As some of you may or may not know, I served my summer months this year at a summer camp as a counselor. Now, this was certainly no volunteer mission; I received roughly forty cents an hour to do the hardcore job of "solo parentis." Regardless of pay check, it was a wonderful and RICH experience, and in the classic writing style of Laura, including carefully explained details, abstract comparisons and similes, as well as roundabout ways of getting to the the point (cough, cough, Mom.), I will tell you the epic story of my summer.


Camp Pecometh week one was much like those first few days of college classes. Syllabus' galore, boring spiels on due process and policy, and that awkward thing called meeting new people. It was the longest lasting week for me, but it was a blessing in disguise as much of camp proved itself to be. I had tons of free time to read- I read through Psalm 150 TWICE in one day, that's how much free time we're talking. I spent a lot of time in prayer as well, and little did I know that first week would become my summer's foundation.

In those first few weeks of camp, I took the time to let my heart appreciate God's glory- through creation, through people, and through His own hand in my life. Day after day I stood in awe of His grace and His love for me. It was rejuvenating to my soul after a pretty rough year. He continued to work in me in those weeks to shape my heart and eyes to understand just a little bit more about Him as well as myself.

I had the best group of kids week one. They were actually my favorite kids that I had all summer. (Yes, when you go through taking care of roughly one hundred kids total, you choose favorites.) They were clean, they were cute, they were well behaved and innocent little "almost fourth-graders." They also were responsible for starting the "Miss Laura" phenomenon at camp. Loved 'em.

By week three, however, it became a different story. The weeks started going by faster, the campers got a tad but more difficult (Week three happened to be Adults with Special Needs Week.) and my one on one time with the Lord grew shorter and shorter. I don't think I ever touched my Bible that week let alone spend time in intentional and focused prayer.

Week four, five and six are now a blur. I am not even sure what camps I had! Oh, how quickly we forget! Those weeks I most certainly neglected all things spiritual. Excuses bubbled forth from the fiery vocabulary of my wicked tongue. While being a counselor IS in fact the most exhausting job in the world (give or take), and while free time was non existent, I definitely could have put aside myself, made some social sacrifices and picked up my Bible. I think there is a legitimate connection between my reading/praying patterns and how much I remembered from those weeks. I can't remember my kids, camps, or exciting adventures from that week; however, I can feel so vividly within me the frustrations in my heart and soul I felt those weeks! Even more evidence that perspective can really do you good, or do you harm. My perspective was harmful those weeks because I consistently shut the eyes of my heart, pressed "auto-pilot" and truly missed out on many good things.

Significant event: Met 50% of my best friend squad, Kelle Belle, somewhere within those weeks. Holla Day Camp!

As I climbed my steep spiritual hill, groveling along the narrow path, God was working in me. How do I know? While I may have been blind at moments, it's because my perspective wasn't a good one. If I were to get inch from this very computer screen, I wouldn't be able to see very much. In fact, I might damage my eyes and then I wouldn't be able to finish this blog. However, sitting back a few feet from my computer, I can see the whole screen, words, paragraphs, keyboard, etc. Even further, if I set my computer down and walked a few feet away, I would be able to see all of those same things as well as the background setting of my room. See? Perspective changes everything. My outlook changed. As I climbed that hill in those mid-weeks of summer, my spiritual legs got scraped up and bruised and my breathless lungs gasped for air. I couldn't see anything beyond getting past that pain- all I could do was look down at my feet, watching each step as I made my way up the treacherous hill. I wished for the very thing that God was using to strengthen my spiritual muscles away! Little did I know then!

In the last few weeks of camp, I had made it to the top of that hill. I stood with the best view. A completed view of my surroundings. Spiritually speaking, I could see where I had been, where God wanted to get me, and where He was going to take me next. It was refreshing to have that new perspective. And now, as I make my way down the very hill I worked so hard to climb, and yet did not have the strength on my own, I know and rest assured that there are plenty more hills God is going to push me to conquer. Now I can really embrace the "Spirit of Adventure." (MY idea of adventure anyway!)

My efforts as a counselor, as a friend to many (camp mom to most), and as a child of God all came to fruition in the last week of camp. My second to last week I met the other 50% of my best friend squad at camp; She drove me with some challenging conversation, an early morning Bible study or two, and a mutual love for the Lord and His Word. Those Aussies, gotta love 'em! God really used her to help build up my spiritual strength and solidify the things that I had struggled with and come to learn over the course of those nine weeks.
The very last week was probably one of my hardest as a counselor. The emotional distress of facing leaving camp and losing day to day contact with close friends coupled with the mental damage of being responsible for a camper I am sure would have been stoned had we existed in Biblical times, made it a very rough week for me.
 However, it all became worth it in two instances. The first, on Thursday night after Pecometh's famous Galilean service. I talked to my campers about some hardcore Biblical truths. I pulled a couple of key passages from Mark and Matthew which pointed towards salvation, grace, and God's love for us through Christ. I didn't hold back on these kids. I looked into each one their faces and knew that it might be the only chance they hear a solid salvation message for quite some time. I prayed to God He would use me to speak His truth to their little hearts. We talked about the cross. I asked them what they knew about it to gain an understanding of their Bible knowledge. Then I gave them some historical facts. They were 11-12 years old so I didn't dumb it down. I told them how much the cross beam weighed, the physical condition Christ was actually in, and many other facts that give Christ's death realistic significance. It was intense and I knew by the looks on their faces, they had probably never heard any of it before even though almost all of them belonged to a church. After reciting the intensity of the cross and why Christ had to die, we talked about God's love for us. We talked about how much richer it makes His love when we understand those things. I tied in passages I had read to them at other cabin times during the week like Psalm 139- how God knows everything there is to know about us, how we can't hide, not even if we wanted to, from Him because He cares for us, He loves us, and He is intimately acquainted with ALL of our ways. God's love and his grace quickly became the biggest thing to those girls that night. They had questions, Oh! they had questions! It tickled my heart to answer their questions and then pray with them! I felt so good that night; It made my heart smile like never before.
The next morning, at closing worship/evaluations, the campers all gathered into Fellowship hall before heading home to fill out evaluations about their experiences at camp. I don't usually even see my campers' evals, but this time, I collected them, and I couldn't help but look at them. I wasn't expecting anything really, I just wanted to see what kind of questions they asked the kids. But as I glanced at the page on top, I noticed one question that stood out in the middle of the page: "What did you learn about God this week?" The answer I read brought a joy to my heart that I have never before known; It said, "God loves me SO much." What a simple, yet faithful and TRUE answer! I flipped through the pages and noticed my other campers' responses to the same question. Their answers followed similar suit: "God loves me so much that He took my sin away by the cross," "Jesus went through a lot on the cross because He loves me very, very much!" etc.
I cried right then and there. Maybe it was the emotional craziness of the last official day of camp, or maybe it was simply lessons learned, friends made, and the recognition of spiritual growth in my own life. Whatever it was, God used it. He used every single aspect of my summer to mold and shape me in some way. In HIS way. He guided my feet every step of the way, even when I couldn't feel Him there. And in the end, I came out with a soul- stirring perspective. How can I be still while the love of an awesome God pours out on my heart?!

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
                                                                                                                                  -2 Corinthians 12:9

That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Love in Christ,
Laura

American Idol

 
I'm in the middle of a study on Habakkuk right now. Seems like a funny book to be studying, eh? Why not go for a "practical" book such as James? Well, I'm two thirds of the way through Habakkuk thanks to the faithful shepherding of my podcast pastor, Matt Chandler. Are ya trackin' with me?
This study has totally taken me off guard. You see, I'm not very established in Old Testament knowledge, I'm more of a New Testament, "churchy" student of the Bible. I'm working very hard to change that, though. Throughout my studies in the OT, I have learned that it really isn't that much different compared to the NT. Go figure, right? This study has turned out to be REALLY applicable and convicting- just what I needed. Today's sermon podcast was number eight in Chandler's series, entitled: American Monkey. (You really should listen to it to grasp the meaning of the title- it won't mean as much if I attempt to explain it.) Anyway, it covered verses 18-20 of Habakkuk chapter two:

 "What profit is an idol
      when its maker has shaped it,
      a metal image, a teacher of lies?
For its maker trusts in his own creation
      when he makes speechless idols!
Woe to him who says to a wooden thing,
            Awake;
      to a silent stone, Arise!
Can this teach?
Behold, it is overlaid with gold and silver
      and there is no breath at all in it.
But the LORD is his holy temple;
      let all the earth keep silence before him."

If these words aren't positively convicting to you, Christian brother or sister, than I believe you are in the same boat I was in. You see, I had a less than completed view of what an "idol" really is. When you think idol within the OT context, you probably picture the Israelite's golden calf (or something similar). Perhaps you even think of present day idols in Indian or Chinese cultures. You would be right to picture those things; I did. However, you might be missing out if that's where it stops for you. I cannot relate to worshiping these types of idols, therefore, I missed the point of these verses the first time around. Elaborate statues, images, etc., created by man and worshiped by man as gods are in fact idols. However an idol is certainly not limited to only these things.

In American culture, our idols aren't set up in "shrine form." We don't have random animal statutes with alters on every other street corner, nor do we have temples where we can go make bizarre sacrifices to man made gods. . . Or do we? What we DO have is even scarier! What do you see, without fail, in every single grocery store line? Magazines covered in scandalous stories of celebrities and half naked people. As a nation, we obsess over Hollywood. Some of us even strive to make that lifestyle our own. We want to be A-listers, envied, have the best of the best.
Chandler said, "Idols rarely dwell in morally dark places, rather they most often dwell in positive things that we twist until they become unhealthy." (paraphrase) What he was talking about was this: Food is good for you until it becomes your source of comfort and causes you to build an unhealthy appetite. When it gets in the way of everyday life stuff, it's not a good thing. Same with exercise; It's great to work out! However, if building the perfect body consumes all of your time, you've created an unhealthy pattern and ultimately idolized your own body. This line of thinking can be applied to all other areas of life, your job, your relationships, your stuff, etc.
Chandler also said that idols are built around control and fear. For example, you have a fear of being alone, so you, being the awesome human you are, take the control and find yourself a significant other. He or she becomes the source of your existence and because you are afraid of ever being alone, you'll do anything to keep him or her around even when it hurts you or others. You see the pattern there. . .
So idolatry goes far beyond the OT explanation. Everyone has an idol on the throne of his or her heart. The question is, is it the right One? Ask yourself these questions, examine yourself and answer them honestly.

Ten Questions to Identify Idols (Thank you, Tim Keller)

1. What consumes most of your thoughts and feelings?

2. What motivates your actions?

3. What are you most afraid of?

4. What brings the most of amount of frustration or anger to your life?

5. What is one thing that can change your mood in one second?

6. What would your friends say is your most favorite topic of conversation?

7. What do you yearn for?

8. What can't you live without?

9. What brings you solstice? 

10. What do you wish God would give you?

"Idols always break the hearts of their worshipers." -C.S. Lewis

Round Hole, Square Peg

There's a reason you can't see the bottom of a mud puddle; there happens to be a whole lot of mud in the way. Between my eyes and the world, there's a whole lot of mud. I have a lot to figure out, a lot of mud to clear away and sometimes (a lot of the time) I don't want to admit it. Unfortunately, cleaning up mud isn't the most comfortable job- sometimes it's just easier to leave a mess for later, right?
And while I try endlessly to fit in somewhere, anywhere, I find myself realizing that fitting in will probably never happen for me. Trying to shove a square peg into a round hole seems a near impossible task, and even if you managed to get the square peg in the round hole, it doesn't mean it'll be supported at all. I am that stubborn peg, and this world is the misshapen hole.  I used to hate the idea of fitting in, but somewhere along the way I lost my identity. I lost pieces of me as I picked up ugly pieces of this ugly world and let them become a part of me. Yay for fitting in, right? I totally betrayed my life verse- Romans 12:2 "And be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you may know what is that good, and acceptable and perfect will of God." I stuck to that mentality hardcore as a teenager. I memorized it when I was thirteen. It dictated my attitude, helped me overcome the normal teenager junk, and helped me establish my identity in Christ, rejecting the one the world is dying to shove upon me. Now I find myself sitting here, on my bed sulking about STUPID stuff, asking myself, "What in the world happened to that!? Where'd it go?" Sigh, the sting of regret, and the experience of learning.
I traded God's will for mine, that's what happened. I got mud in my eyes and instead of wiping it away, I was content to leave it, letting it build up until, well, I lost the grasp on my identity in Christ. I ditched effort entirely and let myself be swayed and pushed instead of standing firm in the LORD.  Of course I could never lose my identity in Christ entirely, but my current status is nowhere where I want to be. I want that crazy, "I don't care what you think of me" confidence back! I want to not care what others think again! I want to be okay with the fact that I will never fit in with this world ever! I don't want to see the world through my own eyes, but I want to follow the wisdom in Proverbs 23:26- "My son, give me your heart and let your eyes observe MY ways." I want to clear away the mud and feel the love and acceptance from seeing the world through the lens of Scripture. I want to rejoice in the fact that I don't have a place in this world, but rather have a place in my Father's loving arms. In theory, I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world ever, but in practice....I'm a human. And a stubborn one at that.


Romans 6:16

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..."

I am a sentimental person. Little stuff that remains completely insignificant to others most likely has some sort of meaningful effect on me. For instance, as I was walking to my second class today, I had to go to a different building. So I simply walked across our small campus in the cold wind, resenting the fact that I had to wear a sweater AND a coat today. As I walked between buildings, I had my head down, just  pondering stuff as usual. Along the edge of the sidewalk I noticed a bunch of teeny tiny flowers, otherwise known as "weeds" to we beautiful lawn lovers. I absolutely had to laugh right then and there because as a little kid, I used to pick these things like they were roses! I would put together little bouquets of these so-called weeds, thinking they were the most beautiful thing in the world. I used to look at those tiny little purplish ones (no clue what they're called) and just wonder...."Why is this a weed to people? Who decided what makes a weed and what makes a flower?"
I thought, and still do think, that these intricate little blossoms right under our feet are beautiful works of art. They may not be significant to many, but they are worth acknowledging in my book. These little weedy flowers are just as much glorifying to God as His trees and mountains and oceans are. Why? Because He made them, because He revealed Himself to at least one person through them, and that one person is reminded of His glory and perfection and mightiness and LOVE every single time she sees one...

Is beauty in the eye of the beholder? I think so. But I also think that it really doesn't matter how you see things until God's love overtakes your heart. You could ask yourself, "If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, than what perscription glasses is the beholder wearing?" If your heart is full of darkness than many things will seem to be "weeds"; in the way and unnecessary, being uncaringly trampled under the feet of the impatient. If your wearing "the lenses of Scripture," how much different will your sight and perspective be! Put on the lens of Scripture and look for chances to see God's glory, even in the little things! He will blow you away!

"The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof..." Psalm 24:1

"Soul Tattoo"

When I was a youngin', boy bands were where it was at. Just as the "Justin (Beaver?) phenomenon" overtakes millions of youths today, back in the day you either listened to N'sync or the Backstreet Boys. Especially we children of the 90's. (I was a Backstreet Boys girl, by the way).
Of course, Contemporary Christian music was basically in it's second decade of life at the time and Christian artists did not fight the ebb and flow of the music industry trends- they followed faithfully the demands of the people. Hencewhy a band by the name of Plus One existed. Plus One was as "fruity" (as my dad would say) as they come. I really hated their music and I always thought the lyrics were fluffy...still don't like them...probably never will. But that is beside the point. The point is, they had a song called "Soul Tattoo." As a young kid, I tried to figure out what that really meant. I knew that you should write God's Word on your heart, that is to hide it. I knew that God was the biggest part of who you are and that He would never leave you. I knew what a tattoo was, too...Permanent.
Little did I know that God would allow me to remember these tender, childlike thoughts to form my understanding of Who He is and who I am in Him. . .

Now that I HAVE a tattoo, I have some schema about the whole subject. Not to say I am an expert just because I have one, but now I can relate a real tattoo on my body to this thing labeled "Soul Tattoo." I chose on of the most painful spots to get a tattoo, my bony, little wrist.
What I know about tattoos now:
-They HURT.
-They are self-inflicted; That is, I CHOSE it.
-They scab over.
-You have to protect it and take care of it in the early stages.
-It can become irritating (itchy!).
-The scabby top layer starts to peel away and flake off to reveal the actuall ink under your skin.
-People can see it on you and ASK about it a lot! ("No, ma'am, I am not Jewish.")
-There's a story behind it. 
-Finally, it becomes a part of your identity, part of your earthly body so long as you live.

So in trying to answer this life long question for myself, "What IS a soul tattoo," I have discovered some similarities between the Christian life and a tattoo.

We humans are a stubborn bunch. I don't think I have to elaborate too much on how we make the same mistakes repeatedly and then complain about the consequences of our decisions. In my dad's words of wisdom, "We're all jacked up." However, when we sin, fall short, and/or deliberately forsake our Father's commandments, it HURTS. The pain stings and your first instinct is to pull away and run from the pain. Just like I wanted desperately to yank my hand away from the tattoo artist, when I fall I desperately want to run and hide from my Father Whom I have disobeyed. It hurts me to the core to be in that position. Every bit of it stings and is uncomfortable.
Similarly, I CHOOSE my paths, I make my decisions, I pick sin. I chose my tattoo, I chose the place, and I picked the style. I WANTED it. That's key. No one forced me to get a tattoo just as no one forces me to sin; It's all inward.
Shortly after you get a tattoo, it starts to scab over. Kinda nasty, but the effects are there. It sort of swells up and the places where the needle touched your skin get all raised. The surface isn't smooth by any means- just like a scab. Just like sin, even when the deed is done and you move on the effects linger. It takes a while to get that smooth skin back. 
You can put lotion or ointment on your tattoo to protect it in this stage. It helps of course, however, it is still a scab! It doesn't FIX anything. It just sort of protects what's left. Just as you can put forth extra effort to turn from sin and battle it with the Word, once you're in it is hard to get out and  progress towards discipline is slow. You're still vulnerable.
It's irritating! It's itchy but you cannot scratch it! Just like the sins that we so easily commit capture our thoughts with temptations, poking and prodding at us relentlessly! But you have to use discipline and self control to RESIST. (James 4:7-8)
Soon, the scabby part starts to slowly flake off little by little. This is a good thing! Because underneath lies your real tattoo, what you'll really be looking at the rest of your life. The part that is truly embedded into your flesh. Likewise, that sin you committed and turned from, working to battle it daily with the Word, starts to form lasting effects in you. The sins starts to fall off of your person little by little. You become less and less characterized by sin as you battle it with intentional righteousness. Over time, what you learned from your mistakes, God's direction, and His Word will reveal in you hints of true godly character.
Your godly character produced by this perseverance is noticeable. Just as people will be attracted to, curious, and inquisitive about a tattoo, they will be equally interested in your godliness. Whether it gets a negative or a positive reaction, you can now USE it for God's glory. Telling them the story behind it and giving them something to relate to in order to glorify God and hoping to draw others nearer to Him. Be a light! Shine bright in the darkness! Use the lessons you've learned to bring God glory!
The lessons you learn through mistakes along with God's discipline and implementation of His Word become a PART of you. They form your identity slowly over time and bring you closer to Him. I'm not saying that sin is a tattoo, I am saying that sin should be learned from, because as much as it IS a part of our flesh, God has taken it away from our SPIRITS, making us clean before Him! Sin will never show up on our souls in the presence of our Father; But the effects of the lessons learn, the Word memorized, utilized, and applied WILL! How AMAZING! Our faults and sins are like the scab part of the tattoo that remain temporarily and then, what's left is what's imprinted on our souls! 

...Soul Tattoo.

What's written on my soul? What's written on yours? Does sin infiltrate who you are? Are you composed of fleshly intentions....or do you live for a higher cause? How will your decisions on this earth stand before the throne of God? Will you have crowns to cast before Him...or will you be leaving those crowns on earth only to be left on your grave?

I would like to think a soul tattoo is a person's defining factor beneath their flesh. If that's the case, I want mine to be godliness. I want mine to be an unwavering passion for God's glory. And if souls DO have tattoos, I want SLEEVES!

Are We Living in a Generation of Worldly Christians?

Stuff I'm thinking about tonight:

Are the words "set apart" only reserved for Sundays? And even then, is it okay to yell at the old man in front of you going ten below the speed limit with profanities? What about the Wednesday night social meeting? Has it become a time to snoop & compare to figure out who's doing what? What are we praying? Lord, give me. Lord, help me. Lord, can I? Lord, why? All based off of discontent with current circumstances? ...OR is it really contentedness WITH the current state of our Christianity: Just enough God to get us to Heaven...but not enough to make us uncomfortable.

In a world that is full of darkness, I am ready to defy the crowd. In a world where pride is the name brand clothing, I will make my own. In a world where people are out to get people, I will be out to get God glory. This is not my Home and any comfort found here is only due to the fact that I rest assured in the hope a future established for me by my sovereign God. Lord, help me to live a radical life for You. Lord, help me to minimize the flesh that is attached to my being so that You may be seen. Lord, give me wisdom so that I may follow the path of righteousness and keep your commandments in a world where what feels good is best. And help me run with endurance this race You have set before me.

Making Time for Eternity

I'm new to blogging, not new to writing. New to the idea that mistakes are okay and are very much a part of learning, not new to throwing myself out there. New to the truth God is pushing me to grasp lately...HE LOVES ME, not new to the doubt that follows.

With every day that comes and goes, we age. One second older, one day older, one year older, ten years older, eventually to die. But contrary to the age-old saying, "Another year older, another year wiser," are we really getting wiser? The reality that we have a very small window of time on this earth is becoming further enforced in my mind every day. When I think about the time I have already had on this earth and how I have used it, I become very convicted. How many Bible verses have I memorized in relation to how many Big Mac's I have consumed? How many hours have I spent in prayer in relation to how many hours I have spent talking on the phone? How many lessons have I learned in relation to all of those repeated mistakes that I stubbornly continue to make? It is completely convicting when I think about the use of my time in this way.

The silly thing is, it takes a lot to make a single truth known, at least to me. It's taken a lot of failing, a lot of accepting of that failing, a lot of struggle and tears to get me to realize this life is not about THIS life. How reassuring and utterly frightening all at the same time! And I've got to re-learn it every day of my life- oh stubborn human that I am!

"What is man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You care for him?" Psalm 8:4