Freedom From Myself

Who am I? 
                                 What I have done to deserve Your great love?


    Who am I that You love me while I yet betray You?

                                 Who am I that you adopt me as YOUR child?
                   That I might call YOU "Abba, Father?"


Why me, God? Why me?


                                                   Why LOVE me even to DEATH?

"When I look at Your heavens,

the work of Your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

which You have set in place,

what is man that You are mindful of him,

and the son of man that You care for him?"

Psalm 8: 3-4

Questions that frequent my reeling mind. A smallness that reveals God's "big-ness." Sometimes these questions are humbling, sometimes empowering, sometimes a source of encouragement and strength in my own weakness. Other times these are the very questions that Satan takes the liberty of answering for me, reeling me in a dark atmosphere created by my own mind: "You are not good enough."

           "Why would He love someone like you?"     

                 

                                     "Why can't you just get it right?"

These are the responses whispered in my ear, encouraged to the point of escalation- leading to a depression and oppression, pressure on my soul, disabling me as shackles on my legs. This negative energy within myself is something I have struggled with for a long time. It used to tear me down so quickly! However, by the grace of God alone, He has freed me from this prideful cycle of self-loathment, and lifted me up out of my own weakness to prove HIS strength. 

I have been saved since I was a young kid, but to grasp God's love is never an instant comprehension. It's gradual and sometimes takes painful experiences to see a little more of it. I would suppose a deeper understanding of God's love comes with the process of sanctification. We're always growing and always learning! All this to say, I don't think I began to really understand God's love until fairly recently. I will never forget the day...

I believe it was early last summer. I was on a painting job with my brother and one of my best friends. We were painting the outer deck areas of an apartment complex so it took a couple of days. I brought my ipod because I like to work with music...and sometimes, it is simply necessary to drown out the little brother!

 As I worked along side the guys, they were ragging on me like they usually do. Unfortunately, I was very thin-skinned. I could dish it, but I couldn't take it. All of the banter and sarcasm and "make me a sandwich, woman!" comments got to me. Though  I knew they were joking, it triggered the avalanche of thoughts in my head to come tumbling down. I felt useless, like I wasn't worth anything to anybody, and not only did I feel that way, the negative thoughts in my head were telling me, convincing me that I was all of those things. So instead of realizing that this was a prideful pattern of behavior, a self-centered cry for attention, I walked to the other end of the deck to paint by myself. I plugged in my skullcandy ear buds and the background noise became non existent. 

Only by the grace of God was I not in the mood for my music that day. So I proceeded to turn on a Matt Chandler podcast. As I was painting and listening, I was slowly realizing the reality behind my reaction- I became convicted of my attitude. I asked God to forgive me and I pleaded with Him to help me understand how to turn from that way of thinking. In the meantime, Chandler was getting heated in his sermon as he usually does. (Are ya tracking with me???) He was expositing the death of Christ- picking apart every detail, every physical implication of every single thing He went through preceding and during His execution on the cross.
Chandler got so worked up about the death of Christ that my heart literally slowed down and I had to put the paintbrush down. I just stood there under the stairs of the deck, with a heart struck with awe. I could hardly stand; my knees became so weak. I hated that my sin was the reason Jesus had to go through all of that. I hated it so passionately and even more, I hated that it was IN me. However, as Chandler's tone lightened, he began to explain why Christ's death makes God's love so BIG. He began to talk about how we are going to mess up, "but that's the point of the cross!" he exclaimed. "He doesn't love some future version of you." I broke down under those stairs, on a painting job in Maryland. Insecure and unhappy with who I was, I finally saw the love of God for what it is. I finally realized the precious truth that it has nothing to do with me...but has everything to do with HIM. These are the words that ring in my ears and simmer in my heart when I fall. Not the negative, self-hating ones that tore my further and further from Christ. With Romans 5:8 echoing in my mind, I gave my heart fully over to the love of God that day. And I will never go back.

__________________________________________________________________

We are His portion and He is our prize,

                                           Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, 

When I think about, the way…

Oh, how He loves us,

Oh, how He loves!

______________________________________________________

Love in Christ,

Laura

Aware: A Hymn/Poem/Worship

Aware

Acutely aware of my smallness, it never leaves me,

    Much like Your faithful presence, from it I cannot hide.

As a child I come, helpless and begging,

    You scoop me up into Your lap, patience and guidance fill the Words You whisper in my ear.

I love to bring You joy,

   Your glory is all I see as I walk in the shadow of Your mighty steps,

"What can I do to impress You, My Father?"

    Should I spend the rest of my days singing Your praises?

        Should I show others how great You are?

           Should I follow Your Words and keep them close to my heart?

"What can I do, Oh My Sweet Father?"

"The darkness entices me, Oh Father!"

    It sets traps much like deep and hidden holes in my path.

You guide my steps, telling my heart to rely on You alone, 

    For it is You only that knows my heart.

But the traps, much like the glimpse of gold, ignite the lust of my flesh,

   I wander from the narrow path You have set for me, 

Darkness lurks, hiding his identity under the cover of pleasures,

   The eyes of my heart see treasure and my feet blindly follow.

"Oh, Father!" I cry, broken-hearted and devastated,

   "Father, I have traded Your riches for fool's gold!

I forsake Your warnings and chased after a fake,

   Father, pull my broken heart back onto Your path,

       Fix the eyes of my heart on Your glory!"

"What can I give You, what do I offer that I might deserve You, My Father?

    I am helpless in Your presence, yet You have rescued me."

Your grace; my only hope, Your mercy; my desperation,

   Your wisdom; my foolishness,Your strength; my sin.

Without You Father, lost I would continuously wander,

    Without You, there is no hope for my soul to grasp,

Without You, condemnation would follow me as the setting sun chases the West,

    Without You, my identity would be marked by foolishness all of my days.

"Set my feet on Your path to righteousness that I might glorify You in all of my days,

   Whisper Your Words of wisdom into my ear and be patient with me, Oh Father!"

"You have made for me the death of my flesh to be as new life,

    You have turned around my rebellious heart, Oh Lord!"

   

My soul shouts: "Great is the name of my Father, the Lord of heaven and earth!

   He is a faithful protector, a watcher of the ones He calls children!"

"I will sing of His great works for eternity," my heart sings,  "all of my days are for You, my Father!

   For You alone are worthy of such high honor, teach my heart to esteem You high and holy and worthy!"

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than LIFE, my lips will praise You." Psalm 63:3

    Love in Christ,

           

    Laura

 

Leave the Light on For Me

One of the most comforting sights after a long week, day, even hour, is the front light on at my house. When that front light is on, I know that I have people watching out for me. The funny thing is, those people (COUGH COUGH, parents!) probably won't read this blog. Mom's taken a Facebook hiatus and I don't think Dad is a hardcore stalker. But this blog is certainly about them.
They've been there for me one hundred percent- unwavering love and dedication to being godly parents. Not many parents accomplish that, I don't think. I am thankful they let experience teach me a few lessons, while I am also thankful they cut experience off at the pass and taught me lessons before experience could get its claws into me!
My Dad especially deserves a million and one thank-you's. He is the only person in my life that has literally been there from my first second on this earth. That thought brings me to tears sometimes- to just think about how I am so blessed to have a Dad that reflects Christ-like character. My Dad has his flaws just like everyone else and he has always let me know that- he has never tried to falsely present a life of perfection. One of my favorite quotes is one from him: "We're all jacked up." He just seems to say that at the most perfect times- just when I need to hear it. He is faithful, he is loyal, he is encouraging, he is real. And I love him. And I am forever thankful to God that He made him MY Dad. (Not to mention the fact that he's hilarious! Where do you think I get it from?!)
And my Mom. MY Mom. She knows. . . God made her my Mom for a reason- and every day I think He shows us more and more reasons why. He just knew we would need each other. She stepped in to my little world at the young age of seven. One of the most poignant and touchable memories in my mind- the day I saw her walk into my house for the first time- huge smile on her face...(That, I get from her!). From that day on, she has been dedicated, loving, patient, kind, hardcore-tell-you-like-it-is just when I needed it (Yes, I get THAT from her,too!). She's been everything I needed in a Mom and then some. She is one of my closest friends; One of the few people I can go to and just spill out what's on my mind and heart without any fear of sounding crazy or horrible. I love her so much! And I am incredibly thankful for her.
God's blessed me with a childhood that let me see both sides of everything. I've been in really terrible home situations, while I have also been blessed to have a healthy one. God really worked in my heart, even at such a young age, to teach me what was good and what was not, what was worthy and what was not, what was love and what was not. In those times, He gave me a desire to desire Him. He let my little heart see what was good and run TOWARDS it instead of away like many people do. For that, I am incredibly thankful to Him. It seems that He so perfectly planned everything- and not just the good stuff, either. He didn't just plan things perfectly around the bad stuff- He worked out everything USING the bad! I wouldn't be who I am today, or have the faith I have today if it weren't for the "bad" stuff in life! Today I can stop and take just a single moment to reflect on these things and I realize that hindsight is a beautiful thing. It reveals God's Sovereign hand in our lives. It helps us assess what we've learned. It makes us thankful for Him and the people He uses in our lives.
I find myself thanking God more and more for my parents' influence in my life as I get older. And as I have those discouraging days that throw me from one thing to the next, I always know there is a front light on. How comforting in such a dark world!

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

John 1:5 (ESV)