Freedom From Myself

Who am I? 
                                 What I have done to deserve Your great love?


    Who am I that You love me while I yet betray You?

                                 Who am I that you adopt me as YOUR child?
                   That I might call YOU "Abba, Father?"


Why me, God? Why me?


                                                   Why LOVE me even to DEATH?

"When I look at Your heavens,

the work of Your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

which You have set in place,

what is man that You are mindful of him,

and the son of man that You care for him?"

Psalm 8: 3-4

Questions that frequent my reeling mind. A smallness that reveals God's "big-ness." Sometimes these questions are humbling, sometimes empowering, sometimes a source of encouragement and strength in my own weakness. Other times these are the very questions that Satan takes the liberty of answering for me, reeling me in a dark atmosphere created by my own mind: "You are not good enough."

           "Why would He love someone like you?"     

                 

                                     "Why can't you just get it right?"

These are the responses whispered in my ear, encouraged to the point of escalation- leading to a depression and oppression, pressure on my soul, disabling me as shackles on my legs. This negative energy within myself is something I have struggled with for a long time. It used to tear me down so quickly! However, by the grace of God alone, He has freed me from this prideful cycle of self-loathment, and lifted me up out of my own weakness to prove HIS strength. 

I have been saved since I was a young kid, but to grasp God's love is never an instant comprehension. It's gradual and sometimes takes painful experiences to see a little more of it. I would suppose a deeper understanding of God's love comes with the process of sanctification. We're always growing and always learning! All this to say, I don't think I began to really understand God's love until fairly recently. I will never forget the day...

I believe it was early last summer. I was on a painting job with my brother and one of my best friends. We were painting the outer deck areas of an apartment complex so it took a couple of days. I brought my ipod because I like to work with music...and sometimes, it is simply necessary to drown out the little brother!

 As I worked along side the guys, they were ragging on me like they usually do. Unfortunately, I was very thin-skinned. I could dish it, but I couldn't take it. All of the banter and sarcasm and "make me a sandwich, woman!" comments got to me. Though  I knew they were joking, it triggered the avalanche of thoughts in my head to come tumbling down. I felt useless, like I wasn't worth anything to anybody, and not only did I feel that way, the negative thoughts in my head were telling me, convincing me that I was all of those things. So instead of realizing that this was a prideful pattern of behavior, a self-centered cry for attention, I walked to the other end of the deck to paint by myself. I plugged in my skullcandy ear buds and the background noise became non existent. 

Only by the grace of God was I not in the mood for my music that day. So I proceeded to turn on a Matt Chandler podcast. As I was painting and listening, I was slowly realizing the reality behind my reaction- I became convicted of my attitude. I asked God to forgive me and I pleaded with Him to help me understand how to turn from that way of thinking. In the meantime, Chandler was getting heated in his sermon as he usually does. (Are ya tracking with me???) He was expositing the death of Christ- picking apart every detail, every physical implication of every single thing He went through preceding and during His execution on the cross.
Chandler got so worked up about the death of Christ that my heart literally slowed down and I had to put the paintbrush down. I just stood there under the stairs of the deck, with a heart struck with awe. I could hardly stand; my knees became so weak. I hated that my sin was the reason Jesus had to go through all of that. I hated it so passionately and even more, I hated that it was IN me. However, as Chandler's tone lightened, he began to explain why Christ's death makes God's love so BIG. He began to talk about how we are going to mess up, "but that's the point of the cross!" he exclaimed. "He doesn't love some future version of you." I broke down under those stairs, on a painting job in Maryland. Insecure and unhappy with who I was, I finally saw the love of God for what it is. I finally realized the precious truth that it has nothing to do with me...but has everything to do with HIM. These are the words that ring in my ears and simmer in my heart when I fall. Not the negative, self-hating ones that tore my further and further from Christ. With Romans 5:8 echoing in my mind, I gave my heart fully over to the love of God that day. And I will never go back.

__________________________________________________________________

We are His portion and He is our prize,

                                           Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, 

When I think about, the way…

Oh, how He loves us,

Oh, how He loves!

______________________________________________________

Love in Christ,

Laura