Round Hole, Square Peg

There's a reason you can't see the bottom of a mud puddle; there happens to be a whole lot of mud in the way. Between my eyes and the world, there's a whole lot of mud. I have a lot to figure out, a lot of mud to clear away and sometimes (a lot of the time) I don't want to admit it. Unfortunately, cleaning up mud isn't the most comfortable job- sometimes it's just easier to leave a mess for later, right?
And while I try endlessly to fit in somewhere, anywhere, I find myself realizing that fitting in will probably never happen for me. Trying to shove a square peg into a round hole seems a near impossible task, and even if you managed to get the square peg in the round hole, it doesn't mean it'll be supported at all. I am that stubborn peg, and this world is the misshapen hole.  I used to hate the idea of fitting in, but somewhere along the way I lost my identity. I lost pieces of me as I picked up ugly pieces of this ugly world and let them become a part of me. Yay for fitting in, right? I totally betrayed my life verse- Romans 12:2 "And be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you may know what is that good, and acceptable and perfect will of God." I stuck to that mentality hardcore as a teenager. I memorized it when I was thirteen. It dictated my attitude, helped me overcome the normal teenager junk, and helped me establish my identity in Christ, rejecting the one the world is dying to shove upon me. Now I find myself sitting here, on my bed sulking about STUPID stuff, asking myself, "What in the world happened to that!? Where'd it go?" Sigh, the sting of regret, and the experience of learning.
I traded God's will for mine, that's what happened. I got mud in my eyes and instead of wiping it away, I was content to leave it, letting it build up until, well, I lost the grasp on my identity in Christ. I ditched effort entirely and let myself be swayed and pushed instead of standing firm in the LORD.  Of course I could never lose my identity in Christ entirely, but my current status is nowhere where I want to be. I want that crazy, "I don't care what you think of me" confidence back! I want to not care what others think again! I want to be okay with the fact that I will never fit in with this world ever! I don't want to see the world through my own eyes, but I want to follow the wisdom in Proverbs 23:26- "My son, give me your heart and let your eyes observe MY ways." I want to clear away the mud and feel the love and acceptance from seeing the world through the lens of Scripture. I want to rejoice in the fact that I don't have a place in this world, but rather have a place in my Father's loving arms. In theory, I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world ever, but in practice....I'm a human. And a stubborn one at that.


Romans 6:16