Sinking Ship

"If grace is an ocean, 

 we're all sinking."

Thank God for grace. Every day that I am breathing in air (which is most days) I am keenly aware of my state of being. It makes me thankful for His grace. Facing my shortcomings in full knowledge of His grace and love is hard enough, but without His grace, facing my shortcomings might lead to the very end of me. But it is there, and it is prominent in my heart. 

I have had my share of struggles so far in life and I am well aware that there are many more to come. I have faced having to deal with long-term hurt from my biological mother. I have had to deal with the ups and downs that come with growing up, just like everyone else in this world, in unison with specifically difficult situations. I have watched family members, best friends, walk away from so much. I have watched them give themselves over to darkness completely. All around me, broken relationships, people enabling each other to live a life of empty self-satisfaction. I am still watching these things go on, as I am sure they will continue.

I have made my own mistakes- giant ones! Mistakes I am still trying to recover from. Mistakes that I was warned against, and yet, gave in to my own reasoning and desire to satisfy mySELF. 

In my heart, I have released a lot of bitterness and hatred toward those who have hurt me and who have hurt the ones I love. I have given it up as a burden to my sweet Jesus. I am not perfect- I still struggle with the normal flux of emotions that come with the very nature of these problems and struggles. However, the overbearing, controlling, and mood-dictating holds that used to burden my heart are no more. They have been lifted and tossed away. And not by my own means, either. 

It is only by the grace of my loving God that I have been able to be freed from the burden of hurt and the chains of self-indulgence. My struggles are no longer centered around what someone has done to me, or done to someone I love; however, my struggles are presently within. I struggle with grasping the fact that God loves me AS IS. I literally have no ability to accept this fact. I used to hate myself; loathe my imperfection. I hated that I couldn't just "get better." Until I found out that it isn't about "getting better." Yes, we are called to sanctification. Yes, we are called to grow in knowledge and wisdom and grace. Does this mean that God doesn't love us until we meet those standards? NO! Not at all! God loves us while we're falling. He loves us while we run away from Him. He loves us enough to chase after us, even while dragging His very name through the mud! My soul cannot grasp this. 

I can't understand it no matter what I do. But it has brought a peace to my heart like no other. I used to be so stressed when I would mess up, even when it was something petty and insignificant. Ask anyone, especially my family, I am the queen of saying "I'm sorry." ALL THE TIME. It's like some psycho defense mechanism or something- like I am constantly surrounded by my own imperfections, so I just jump to apologizing, many times, unnecessarily. 

This used to be a huge portion of my struggle, and even now it is hard to battle. It is an every day, conscious effort, to be okay with the fact that God loves me despite me. It probably has to do with the fact that I am a "doer." And I am legalistic in my tendencies. Give me instructions, a rule, something to do, and I eat it up. I love coloring in the lines. To know that God loves me no matter what I do and that I cannot make Him love me more because He already loves me as much as He possibly can leaves me with nothing to do, no rules to follow, no authority figure to please. I am the older brother from the Prodigal Son story; I follow the rules, but my heart is in the wrong place. Matt Chandler likens this picture to a parent changing their child's diaper. It's disgusting and you don't really enjoy it, but it doesn't make you love your child any less. Equally, that child really can't do anything to make you love him more. As he grows up, you'll face new messes to clean up after him- and it's expected. God knew what He was getting into when He made me His child. He knew about every mess, past, present, and future that He'd be cleaning up after me. And He has loved, is loving, and will love me the same every day before my life, every day of my life, and every day of my life past death. No matter what I do or do not do. 

Moral of the story. We can't be perfect. But rest easy. The God of the Universe brought (and bought) you into His family, as a first-born son. He knows you. He knows you'll fall, but He grabs you up into His arms, and sets you back on the path every time. His grace is SUFFICIENT. And there is NO CONDEMNATION for His beloved. So instead of fighting for perfection as I tried, realize your state and fight for HIS GLORY. That's the good fight.

"If grace is an ocean, 

we're all sinking."

Love in Christ,

Laura

Related: Check out Tim Keller's sermon, "Prodigal Sons," free on itunes! 

                Matt Chandler's Colossians sermon series, "Three Streams" sermon.

READ: Romans 6-8 (to gain a deeper understanding of the grace/law, flesh/spirit battle.)