Four the Love of God

Today, I learned another something about myself.

Life is a progressive learning experience for me- there is no "going through the motions." I don't think I can possibly be any more emotionally attached to the stuff that fills "life" than I already am. But these things, I already know.
I also already know that I cannot take criticism well.
I know that I am capable of crying over almost everything. I cry.
I know that I could feel a ball of frustration rise up in me (PRIDE!) when I admitted the previous statement. I hate crying.
I know that I hate being alone.
I know that  I hate peace and quiet.
I know that I have a desire for deep relationships.
I know that I am bent towards searching for depth in all things, big and small.
I know that I find meaning in the silliest things.
I know that I can be dramatic sometimes.

I know a lot of what makes up me. But sometimes, I don't want to face it. But there is a need to understand it in order to grow and learn.

Today, I learned that I am a 4.

A 4?

Yes, a 4.

....Really? A 4?

....Oh....

....yeah.

...a 4....

....that's me.

The Ennenagram- one of those personality thing-y-ma-bobs. And I am am a 4 according to this mysterious thing. And it's right. So very.completely.right. Down to all of my little quirks, negative and positive.

Doesn't matter how, who, what we are. God loves us. God loves ME. . . A 4. He knows all of my ins and outs better than I ever will. He understands the (sometimes ridiculous) perspective by which I see this world.

What a struggle to understand! As I try so very hard to grasp His love, I worry about how I come across to people; Apparently, I look like a "four" right off the bat. Does it rub me the wrong way? It did at first, but since seeing my tendencies spelled out, written in words (which is the most effective way of teaching me...) it has helped me to understand where that puts me in dealing with life. It shows me where I lack and sell myself short spiritually and among relationships with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

It's interesting stuff, but the real lesson lies in my teachability. Remembering that I haven't got it all figured out it sort of pinnacle in growth, both emotionally and spiritually. I am thankful for those willing to do the very uncomfortable thing that I have been begging my brothers and sisters in Christ to do in my life- teach me. If that means calling me out, or opening up a door that leads to a conversation I would rather not have, go for it anyway. Besides, I asked for it.

So, FOUR the love of God....be there for your family. Even when it hurts you to take a risk and possibly hurt them, if it is for their own good, for their benefit and growth, take the risk. God can use anything for His glory. If we walk on egg shells around each other, egg shells bound to break regardless, what good does that do? Why not just dig a hole and wait for death to seize our bodies? (Please don't take that as a morbid statement, but understand that there is more to life than avoiding confrontation!) We're called to live our lives in unity- and as any member of a family knows, unity is pinnacle. Lack of unity is the equivalent of destruction within any body of people. We've got to have each other's backs even when the going gets tough- out of love.

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

(Ephesians 4:15-16 ESV)

Love in Christ,

Laura

Sinking Ship

"If grace is an ocean, 

 we're all sinking."

Thank God for grace. Every day that I am breathing in air (which is most days) I am keenly aware of my state of being. It makes me thankful for His grace. Facing my shortcomings in full knowledge of His grace and love is hard enough, but without His grace, facing my shortcomings might lead to the very end of me. But it is there, and it is prominent in my heart. 

I have had my share of struggles so far in life and I am well aware that there are many more to come. I have faced having to deal with long-term hurt from my biological mother. I have had to deal with the ups and downs that come with growing up, just like everyone else in this world, in unison with specifically difficult situations. I have watched family members, best friends, walk away from so much. I have watched them give themselves over to darkness completely. All around me, broken relationships, people enabling each other to live a life of empty self-satisfaction. I am still watching these things go on, as I am sure they will continue.

I have made my own mistakes- giant ones! Mistakes I am still trying to recover from. Mistakes that I was warned against, and yet, gave in to my own reasoning and desire to satisfy mySELF. 

In my heart, I have released a lot of bitterness and hatred toward those who have hurt me and who have hurt the ones I love. I have given it up as a burden to my sweet Jesus. I am not perfect- I still struggle with the normal flux of emotions that come with the very nature of these problems and struggles. However, the overbearing, controlling, and mood-dictating holds that used to burden my heart are no more. They have been lifted and tossed away. And not by my own means, either. 

It is only by the grace of my loving God that I have been able to be freed from the burden of hurt and the chains of self-indulgence. My struggles are no longer centered around what someone has done to me, or done to someone I love; however, my struggles are presently within. I struggle with grasping the fact that God loves me AS IS. I literally have no ability to accept this fact. I used to hate myself; loathe my imperfection. I hated that I couldn't just "get better." Until I found out that it isn't about "getting better." Yes, we are called to sanctification. Yes, we are called to grow in knowledge and wisdom and grace. Does this mean that God doesn't love us until we meet those standards? NO! Not at all! God loves us while we're falling. He loves us while we run away from Him. He loves us enough to chase after us, even while dragging His very name through the mud! My soul cannot grasp this. 

I can't understand it no matter what I do. But it has brought a peace to my heart like no other. I used to be so stressed when I would mess up, even when it was something petty and insignificant. Ask anyone, especially my family, I am the queen of saying "I'm sorry." ALL THE TIME. It's like some psycho defense mechanism or something- like I am constantly surrounded by my own imperfections, so I just jump to apologizing, many times, unnecessarily. 

This used to be a huge portion of my struggle, and even now it is hard to battle. It is an every day, conscious effort, to be okay with the fact that God loves me despite me. It probably has to do with the fact that I am a "doer." And I am legalistic in my tendencies. Give me instructions, a rule, something to do, and I eat it up. I love coloring in the lines. To know that God loves me no matter what I do and that I cannot make Him love me more because He already loves me as much as He possibly can leaves me with nothing to do, no rules to follow, no authority figure to please. I am the older brother from the Prodigal Son story; I follow the rules, but my heart is in the wrong place. Matt Chandler likens this picture to a parent changing their child's diaper. It's disgusting and you don't really enjoy it, but it doesn't make you love your child any less. Equally, that child really can't do anything to make you love him more. As he grows up, you'll face new messes to clean up after him- and it's expected. God knew what He was getting into when He made me His child. He knew about every mess, past, present, and future that He'd be cleaning up after me. And He has loved, is loving, and will love me the same every day before my life, every day of my life, and every day of my life past death. No matter what I do or do not do. 

Moral of the story. We can't be perfect. But rest easy. The God of the Universe brought (and bought) you into His family, as a first-born son. He knows you. He knows you'll fall, but He grabs you up into His arms, and sets you back on the path every time. His grace is SUFFICIENT. And there is NO CONDEMNATION for His beloved. So instead of fighting for perfection as I tried, realize your state and fight for HIS GLORY. That's the good fight.

"If grace is an ocean, 

we're all sinking."

Love in Christ,

Laura

Related: Check out Tim Keller's sermon, "Prodigal Sons," free on itunes! 

                Matt Chandler's Colossians sermon series, "Three Streams" sermon.

READ: Romans 6-8 (to gain a deeper understanding of the grace/law, flesh/spirit battle.)

Focus Grasshopper

"Focus, Grasshopper."

I say it all of the time. To myself, to others, it doesn't matter- I just say it. I think I might have picked it up from my dad over the years. But, alas! I am the queen of giving good advice, but not letting it soak in to my own brain. . .

Dilemma.


"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,"
                                                                                                                             (Ephesians 1:3 ESV)



"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

                                                                                                                  (Galatians 5:22-24 ESV)

These verses changed my view on the quick plea for patience that all Americans, whether saved or not, seem to whisper under their breath on a daily basis, "Lord, give me patience." Why do we pray for something we have already been blessed with? Are we denying the fact that God has already given it to us as His children? Do we call our Father a liar? Of course not, but it sure changes the way we think...
I am struggling to utilize my patience lately. Lord knows it's buried in my heart SOMEWHERE. Sometimes it's more prominent than others, but certain situations seem to scare it off. Patience seems to be a virtue much like a language- "if you don't use it you start to lose it." It seems to become dormant for certain situations, and when my patience goes dormant, my flesh shows up. . . and shows off. It jumps at every chance to act, speak, and dominate. All of these factors are under my control; I am certainly no puppet. However, the wicked desires of my heart overtake any ounce of discipline I have attained.
After reading Luke chapter four this morning before work, I was refreshed in my heart to read of Christ's temptations in the desert. Even the perfect Savior was tempted- and the devil had to make an EFFORT to tempt him. (And when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from him until an opportune time. Luke 4:13 ESV) The devil may have control over the temptation, but we have control over our responses. Like Jesus, we should be bringing ourselves under the control and discipline of God's Word. Christ responded to every temptation with the Word. And just sitting here thinking about it- I am willing to bet Satan's temptations were probably enticing to Christ. For example, Satan offered Christ the world- all of the kingdoms the Prince of Darkness had been given dominion over. I can imagine Christ, looking out upon all of the world, considering the fact that this dark, deceitful liar OWNED it all. I wonder, oh how I wonder, how did Christ's flesh react to that??? Was it hard for Him to resist? I certainly do not know, however, I do know one thing. Christ responded to Satan's petition with Scripture, warding off the sin of impatience and focused on God's promises to come. Christ showed patience in that situation. He could have accepted Satan's offer and had the whole world under His physical control again. However, He knew that His Father was carrying out a perfect will and in the end, the victory would be His and the world won over once and for all as HIS kingdom. Good things come to those who wait...

So I take this as a lesson in patience. Even though I am currently in the midst of a situation where I can see something seemingly so good in front of me, I can hear the whisper of the Spirit telling me to, "Wait patiently." I could jump the gun and ignore Him, but I have done that before, and that fleshly decision has gotten me nowhere but backwards and chained at the ankles. This time, I realize that I DO NOT know what's best for me, but my Father does. He has the hindsight that I haven't yet gained. He has a plan for me. It can only get better as I wait on the Lord, as He breaks me and molds me into the child He created me to be, I will follow in the steps of His will.
In the mean time, as I lay in bed awake, I pray that He will fill my heart with hope and encouragement. Learning how to bring your flesh under the control of discipline through His Word isn't easy. And there's no way to butter it up- sometimes, it just sucks. But, boy does it pay off. I know it does, even amidst failing my pursuit of discipline and patience, I have experienced its GREAT rewards. How much better will it get as I continue this race?!
My soul is currently restless. My mind is reeling. But my heart is nevertheless in pursuit of the heart of the very One who created me. I pray that He will continue to teach me how to make less of myself and much of Him.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and he will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

_______________________________________________________________________________

Love in Christ, 

Laura

"__________________________"

It doesn't matter how hard we try. Sometimes, our humanness gets the best of us. Well, strike that, more than "sometimes;" most times we're losing the battle against the flesh. Most times we're not only losing the battle, we're dwelling on the person we want to be instead of focusing on the person of Christ who bought you "as is." ...Or at least I am.
I live in the knowledge of my Savior's love and sacrifice daily, however, I am not perfect. I fall. A lot. And right now, I am experiencing a low. I desire things that God patiently tells me to wait for. I chase after things that look good but will turn around and hurt me in the end much like a child runs with scissors. Sometimes, my common sense is overtaken by my flesh, who guides me to sure destruction.
I say all of this because I am tired- SO TIRED- of the hypocrisy. I am tired of seeing Christians portray a life of perfection. No one is without struggle, if we don't struggle than we should be questioning our own Salvation. Similarly, what is this idea of perfection you are chasing? It is simply unattainable under your own power! At the core, we are all broken people- if not, why then would we need a savior? It isn't a sin to show your brothers and sisters in Christ that you, also, are broken down. The very brokenness we try so hard to hide, is the common denominator between ALL of us. The fact that Christ saved us despite us binds us together, and yet, with so many trying to hide it, we forfeit unity. We forfeit a functioning body of Christ for, metaphorically speaking, a paraplegic body. We forfeit showing others Who Christ REALLY is. We forfeit gaining yet a richer understanding of His love.