Hello Again

You know those times when you step back and really look at all that you have done/gone through in a given amount of time and half marvel at the Lord's work in your life, half regret the things you have done to the point of throwing up?

...Yup that's me. Right this very second.

The fact that I haven't blogged in a while is proof that I have had my head lodged in places it shouldn't be.

I could sit here all day and tell you how far from grace I have felt. I could let thoughts of how I do not deserve God's grace simmer endlessly in my mind. I could dig a mental hole and hide from the fact that I have strayed so very far from the path the Lord has set my feet upon....

But where would that put me? In a very dark place, that is for sure. But I have a hope far greater than all of my shortcomings...

Praise the Lord that His arm of grace extends to every corner of existence! Praise the Lord that we are never too far gone from His grace and mercy! Praise the Lord that He clothed me in His salvation in full knowledge of every single way I would -past, present, and future- betray His precious name!!!

Being a part of a church that preaches according to the doctrines of grace, I constantly hear those "How to know you are saved" type messages, fruit of true salvation and the like. Well, this time of straying that I have experienced served to shed light on those messages in a more personal way. You may or may not know that I was saved at the very young age of seven. Being adopted into the Kingdom as a child of God at a young age certainly has its advantages; however, there is a lot of room for doubt within a situation such that I was in. As a kid, I always wondered if I was really saved. Many times, I would whisper a prayer for Salvation right before I fell asleep "just in case...". Over the years I have become far more confident in the Salvation the Lord has graciously granted me. I believe the opportunities to be tested, and many times, fall flat on my face have proven my Salvation. This has certainly been one of them.


One of the most reassuring experiences has been to fall, fail and flounder- all on my own power- only to have the Lord pull me right back to His way. A lot of the time I feel like a child...on one of those kid leashes. You know? The springy ones? They kind of bounce back, but only when there is a LOT of resistance. He never lets go, never lets you get snapped in the back...but He will pull you back pretty hard-for your own good. Oh, life lessons. . .


If you are saved and you are struggling. . . do not despair. We are not called to despair. We are called to be TENACIOUS, RELENTLESS and DEPENDENT- much like children. Sin is inevitable; however, it should not be a life style. The spirit/flesh battle is ever present, but the victory has already been won!

"Who shall separate us from the love of God? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,


For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.


No, in all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."                                                                     Romans 8: 35-39

If you are not saved, I hope you have read this and realized that no one is EVER too far gone for the Lord to extend His arm of grace. No one is beyond the grasp of the Lord. Jesus endured the wrath of the Father, the punishment that MAN deserved for our sin; however, Jesus took it on for Himself, so that we might be saved. He didn't only die for the sins of the past, but of the present and the future. Christianity is not about walking a fine line, following rules and being better than anyone. Christianity, as it should be Biblically, is according to Luke 9:23-24, "denying self and following Christ." (Paraphrase) If God saved the sinner on the cross next to Christ, and if He saved me at the young age of seven, with nothing to offer, in full knowledge of all sin, He can certainly save you.

And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it."                                                                                                             Luke 9:23-24

"For the son of man came to seek and save the lost."                                                  Luke 19:10

simul justus et peccator

"simultaneously justified and sinful"

Love in Christ,

Laura

His Mercies Are New Every Morning

It's a new year! How exciting.

The last year (and some change) has been interesting to say the very least. I will not go into detail, but I do believe that 2011 was collectively the hardest year of my life (with respect to events on the tail end of 2010 of course). It was definitely a "grow up fast" year for me. Some of it was self-inflicted pain resulting from mistakes; however, much of it consisted of attacks from the outside.

While 2011 was rough, there were some good times. (...right? Yes, check...Well, hmm. Let me get back to you on that one.)

Hello, life. Hello mistakes. Hello heartbreak. Hello trials. Hello growing pains. You got me. You finally had your chance, as if you hadn't already, to sink your claws deep into my flesh.

I was so hesitant to blog right off the bat on January first because it seemed like SO much was happening. But here I am. Ready to write about the little pieces of this one million pieced puzzle called, "Laura."

I am ready for a new year for sure.

In the midst of trials and suffering, mistakes and blatant rebellion toward the things of God, my mind always reverts back to Lamentations. I haven't really studied Lamentations out yet, so I am not really sure what is going on contextually speaking. I will admit to my great fear of taking His Word out of context, but praise the Lord for this bit of Scripture. I am sure it bears some great, eternal significance other than what my small eyes are seeing at the moment, but Lamentations has been a piece of Scripture that has pulled me through so many struggles. It blows my mind.


How lonely sits the city
that was full of people!
How like a widow has she become,
she who was great among the nations!
She who was a princess among the provinces
has become a slave.
She weeps bitterly in the night,
with tears on her cheeks;
among all her lovers
she has none to comfort her;
all her friends have dealt treacherously with her;
they have become her enemies.
(Lamentations 1:1-2 ESV)


I don't know about you but these first verses in the book of Lamentations aren't exactly encouraging, but they are, however, intriguing.


Jerusalem sinned grievously;
therefore she became filthy;
all who honored her despise her,
for they have seen her nakedness;
she herself groans
and turns her face away.
Her uncleanness was in her skirts;
she took no thought of her future;
therefore her fall is terrible;
she has no comforter.
“O LORD, behold my affliction,
for the enemy has triumphed!”
The enemy has stretched out his hands
over all her precious things;
for she has seen the nations
enter her sanctuary,
those whom you forbade
to enter your congregation.
(Lamentations 1:8-10 ESV)



This is hopeless! This is beyond anything human hands can fix...


“The LORD is in the right,
for I have rebelled against his word;
but hear, all you peoples,
and see my suffering;
my young women and my young men
have gone into captivity.
“I called to my lovers,
but they deceived me;
my priests and elders
perished in the city,
while they sought food
to revive their strength.
“Look, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my stomach churns;
my heart is wrung within me,
because I have been very rebellious.
In the street the sword bereaves;
in the house it is like death.
(Lamentations 1:18-20 ESV)


This is completely intense. But isn't it SO relateable?
Chapter two is just as intense and harsh. Two full chapters of despair due to separation from the Lord. Two full chapters of grief over great sins. Two full chapters of realization of God's holiness and our inept capabilities.


He has made my teeth grind on gravel,
and made me cower in ashes;
my soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness is;
so I say, “My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the LORD.”
Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.
(Lamentations 3:16-27 ESV)


Wow. Just wow.

I can't say much more to top that. I wouldn't dare to try. His Word is perfect Truth and if I have learned anything over the past couple of years it is this: No matter how far gone I feel, no matter how far away I may mistakenly think God is from me, His Word is perfect Truth and I have no reason to lose hope. No matter how gruesome the battle, no matter how many men lost, the victory is already won. These Words in Lamentations ignite the hope in my heart that sometimes goes dormant. When the arms of sin wrap around me ready to constrict the hope out of me, when darkness envelops me much like a blanket, He is there. And His mercies are new every morning.

simul justus et peccator

"simultaneously justified and sinful"

Love in Christ,

Laura

Phone a friend, 50/50, Ask the Audience

I am human. My being is comprised of fifty percent regenerated spirit and fifty percent sinful flesh. I make stupid decisions that are centered on everything around me except the cross of Christ. I quickly fall into a mindset trapped by the lust of my own flesh. Everything that I am sets out to destroy me while everything inside of me screams no. My spirit does not like it in the least bit.

The classic battle of the Christian.

It's something I cannot get off of my mind lately. I am fairly certain my last post was about the very same thing- Romans 7, waging war.

I am frustrated. I had lots of ideas for my next post having gone to New York City this past weekend, Christmas on its way, and countless other seemingly significant happenings. However, this post will be one very down to earth, much like the others.

I made a mistake this past week (surprise!). There is no way to justify my decision or sugar up the situation, but long story short, I left a few people very disappointed. Now I find myself lying in the bed I made for myself, worried that I have hurt someone in a way greater than I even understand myself. While I deal with this recent "crisis," I also find myself at war with countless other situations- ones that will probably fight me as long as I wear this earth suit. But, I am an adult. These things do not simply get better over time- they only get bitter if left to simmer in their own juices.

Do you ever just wish that you could make something better? You approach the person you hurt with apologies, but they do not seem to be enough. You plead, you beg, you wallow and yet, nothing changes. This is real life. This is when you have to simply back off and wait- wait on the Lord. (Another something to add to the list of current ramblings in my brain.) They do not accept you, or maybe they do, but they need more time or need to work on themselves first. Either way, you are left on the end of the phone with nothing but a dial tone- no sign of remaining life.

That's where I am at the moment. Wondering, "Where is the grace?" A double-edged question for sure. Where was the grace in my decision to drop plans I had made? Sure, I could make my case for being worn down (my own fault of course because I do not know how to say "no" to people). I could bring into my case for innocence other problems in my life that might cause me a fight in carrying out commitment. Or expectations or gas or the economy or Joe Schmoe down the street or whatever! But, where is that grace in that? Where is the grace in a self-centered decision that effects others? Where is the grace in my desire to justify my actions? Where is the grace in my inability to see the hurt from another's point of view? Where is the grace in my lack of patience in allowing the ones I have hurt to come back to me? Where is the grace?

Now, I will tell you this- I am not going to air out my dirty laundry to you readers. The mistake I made was not fatal or made with the intention of hurting; however, it may prove fatal to a relationship between friends and it certainly left both parties hurting. A friendship I claimed to value yet did not prove its value in my own actions. How can I expect grace so freely given when I am slow to dish it out, also?

This whole conundrum is further solidifying for me what God has been teaching me lately: While I cannot attain the standard of perfection that is required by God (and lots of times, people), I AM covered in His sight by the grace that was bought with the blood of Christ. I cannot expect myself to handle perfectly every situation in life; however, I can use the tools He has given us (Scripture) to dictate my next steps (and sometimes damage control efforts). I cannot expect myself to be the perfect friend or prioritize perfectly or wait on the Lord perfectly or forgive perfectly, but I am called to put aside the old Laura- the things she wanted are no more of this new being God has so graciously transformed! I also need to learn to take my own advice.

"Life isn't always what we want it to be- we can't always please everybody. The real test is in how we deal with it"


Do I really believe all of this? Am I really letting this stuff penetrate my soul and dictate my actions?

Ultimately I have learned that we are always learning. We are always growing. It is only by God's grace that we have even that. And that same grace is what we are required also to give to others. The very nature of the word grace denotes an undeserving recipient. We didn't deserve grace from God, therefore, shouldn't we be ready to share it with others that much more?! Shouldn't we let that grace motivate our steps and fuel our devotion?

I pray that He helps me to daily put away the old Laura- pride and all- and let His work in me take full effect. I am thankful that He uses my mistakes to teach me a thing or two about life and I am happy to share it with you.

simul justus et peccator

"simultaneously justified and sinful"

Love in Christ,

Laura

See-through

I will be the first to tell you that I am not perfect; however, on the inside, there is a still, small voice that never leaves. It is the sound of me telling myself that perfection is the only option; nothing else is good enough.

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"                                                    Jeremiah 17:9

This is the struggle I face. The outcome is this: because I too quickly seek perfection before I seek God's will and direction, I stumble and fall. I refuse to get up and "do" at times because I know that I will not be perfect right off the bat. For example, I have a love/hate relationship with running (as most do). I hate the running part, but I love accomplishing goals and feeling healthy. However, because I do know how hard it is for me to build up the endurance to even run one mile without stopping, I choose to "do it later," or "wait," or simply ignore it and not do it all. Because I know that getting back out there will hurt my lungs, legs, and head, I refuse to do it. It takes effort to get better; I simply cannot go out and run a mile without first putting in the work for it. The desire for perfection stands in between me and my goals. Who I want to be in my head does not resonate well with the real me; They are two completely different people.

Similarly, my spiritual life can suffer because of this battle. If I don't pick up my Bible for a couple of days, those days can turn into weeks, and those weeks sometimes turn into months. I feel guilty, unworthy and the cycle ensues. It's a sad situation to have the truth and solutions laid out in front of you and simply refuse them. Oh flesh.

The misconception that Christians have it easy is not a Biblical idea in the least bit; Romans will literally smack that notion right out of your mind. The spirit-flesh war in the lives of Christians is addressed most ferociously by Paul, who admits to the struggle within himself. Verses like Romans 7:14-15, 8: 18-21, etc., show us that the struggle is ongoing and is only relieved by the assurance of our salvation found in a loving God. (Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Romans 8:35).
While the unsaved have this misinformed view of an easy life for Christians due to a couple of holy stones carved with rules, Christians do not make the matter any easier on one other. Among church congregations, people hold each other to a level of quiet perfection. Underneath the shallow portrayal of the Christian life within the church is a whispering among us. We watch each other, analyze and judge though Scripture warns against it (James 2). The bond of unity is slowly chipped away with a chisel named Gossip and a pick named Shame. I try to avoid cliches as much as possible and along with that, song lyric doctrine; however, Casting Crown's song Stained Glass Masquerade is a very accurate picture of the American church today. Everyone of us, whether saved or not carries with us hurts, pain, sin. The only difference is that Christians are called to cast their burdens on Christ, who is more than willing to take them. Why is it that we are petitioned to let go of these things that chain us within in our relationship with Christ, however, we hold on to them so tightly among the midst of fellow believers? This mentality is damaging and the effects of hiding ourselves, masking our sin and leading the life of a double-minded man has unfortunately lasting effects on the congregation, as well as individual relationships. This leads to a lack of relate-ability, discipleship, and the biggest loss- growth in the heart.

When will we break the bond of extreme views and simply be Biblical believers? When will the church come to grips with its depravity without being hyper-Calvinistic? Likewise, when will the church find joy in the redeeming love of Christ without being a smiley mega-church? When will we accept that we WILL miss the mark while also accepting Christ's love and rescuing for our souls. And no matter how well we accept this in our one-on-one relationships with Christ, if we do not accept it among each other, how will WE grow and how will we REACH others for Christ? Love cannot grow in isolation.

"The Christian life is to be growth, right? But your Christian life doesn't go on a line like this. You know how it goes? It goes up and down. How do I know that? Because that's how mine goes. You see, it's when you dip down that you start learning lessons that push you up again. Then you fail a little bit and God teaches you lessons through discipline or trial and up you go again. It goes like that."                                               J. MacArthur


We are going to struggle. We are going to fail. When Jesus died, he bore the complete wrath of God towards ALL sin. His work was a finished work. This means that your sins from the past, present, and the sins you have yet to commit are all completely covered and forgotten in the eyes of God. So this struggle we as Christians daily face is nothing to be ashamed of. It is something that we should be encouraging each other about, lifting one another up, offering godly council and discipleship. We are a fallen people- but we don't have to let that be our defeat because the victory is already one. Sin is a destroyer; Unity will rebuild. Don't hide from each other the very things that connect you as brothers and sisters in Christ.

simul justus et peccator

"simultaneously justified and sinful"

Love in Christ,

Laura

Oh, Stubborn Human That I Am!

It's gonna get real here for a minute, folks!

I am stubborn, oh, so stubborn! I am rebellious. Under my own power, I am bent toward sin. The second I lay His precious Word aside, my back turns to His love and runs. I am inclined to guilt, shame, and digging deep holes of sorrow for myself. Sin is the purchase and miserable depression is the price I pay. I long for fleeting pleasure, yet it never satisfies. There is nothing in me that wants Him. My fleshly heart is overtaken by daily desires. I crave lovers less wild than He and let them claim my love. I put worthless idols on the throne of my heart and give myself over to glorifying myself.

This is a picture of my heart when the flesh wins. When the flesh wins, I am a pathetically lost creature. Under my own power, I fall and stumble. I crave and chase after the very things that will kill me and are so quick to steal away my joy. This is my heart.

Praise the Lord, Oh my soul! He Has saved me from such a sorry state of being!!! 


I cannot say it any other way, praise Him in the morning, Praise Him in the evening. He has done a great work in my heart! He has taken upon my sinful heart and changed it, even covering the sins yet to come. These sins do not claim my life, No! But the blood of my Sweet Savior has laid hold upon my longing heart. His desires have been planted and deeply rooted within my heart forever! There is no work that I can add, nor take away that will change HIS great work in me! Nothing can separate me from the the love of Christ!!! I will forever praise Him.

Lord,

Help me reflect upon YOUR great work in my heart. Help me to daily be reminded that it is not about what I do or have done in the past, but it is about what YOU have done for me. You have shown me endless grace that matches and far surpasses my sin. You have clothed me in Your love and peace and Fatherly care. Lord, let my praises never cease! Even in moments of sinful sorrow, open the eyes of my heart to see YOU and be motivated to glorify You alone! Lord, this life is so fleeting- take away my desires for it. You alone are worthy Lord, and I am Your undeserving child. Help me to know You and know Your love.

Amen


This is just what's been on my heart lately. If you have found yourself feeling lost, though you are saved, know that there is hope. He breaks us down and molds us into who He wants us to be. Our rebelliousness has bigger implications on our souls than the fleeting pleasure of sin will let on. Stay strong in the Lord- your weakness are nothing compared to the strength He imparts upon us. Keep your mind focused on His glory alone and fight the good fight of faith. Keep your eyes on the prize. ASK Him for a heart bent on His glory. ASK Him to reveal your heart. ASK Him to shape and mold You. It is His work in our hearts that brings us peace, joy and satisfaction. Thank Him, petition Him, and love Him even when you can't feel Him. He is always holding You close. You are His dearly beloved child.

simul justus et peccator

"simultaneously justified and sinful"

Love in Christ,

Laura

Four the Love of God

Today, I learned another something about myself.

Life is a progressive learning experience for me- there is no "going through the motions." I don't think I can possibly be any more emotionally attached to the stuff that fills "life" than I already am. But these things, I already know.
I also already know that I cannot take criticism well.
I know that I am capable of crying over almost everything. I cry.
I know that I could feel a ball of frustration rise up in me (PRIDE!) when I admitted the previous statement. I hate crying.
I know that I hate being alone.
I know that  I hate peace and quiet.
I know that I have a desire for deep relationships.
I know that I am bent towards searching for depth in all things, big and small.
I know that I find meaning in the silliest things.
I know that I can be dramatic sometimes.

I know a lot of what makes up me. But sometimes, I don't want to face it. But there is a need to understand it in order to grow and learn.

Today, I learned that I am a 4.

A 4?

Yes, a 4.

....Really? A 4?

....Oh....

....yeah.

...a 4....

....that's me.

The Ennenagram- one of those personality thing-y-ma-bobs. And I am am a 4 according to this mysterious thing. And it's right. So very.completely.right. Down to all of my little quirks, negative and positive.

Doesn't matter how, who, what we are. God loves us. God loves ME. . . A 4. He knows all of my ins and outs better than I ever will. He understands the (sometimes ridiculous) perspective by which I see this world.

What a struggle to understand! As I try so very hard to grasp His love, I worry about how I come across to people; Apparently, I look like a "four" right off the bat. Does it rub me the wrong way? It did at first, but since seeing my tendencies spelled out, written in words (which is the most effective way of teaching me...) it has helped me to understand where that puts me in dealing with life. It shows me where I lack and sell myself short spiritually and among relationships with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

It's interesting stuff, but the real lesson lies in my teachability. Remembering that I haven't got it all figured out it sort of pinnacle in growth, both emotionally and spiritually. I am thankful for those willing to do the very uncomfortable thing that I have been begging my brothers and sisters in Christ to do in my life- teach me. If that means calling me out, or opening up a door that leads to a conversation I would rather not have, go for it anyway. Besides, I asked for it.

So, FOUR the love of God....be there for your family. Even when it hurts you to take a risk and possibly hurt them, if it is for their own good, for their benefit and growth, take the risk. God can use anything for His glory. If we walk on egg shells around each other, egg shells bound to break regardless, what good does that do? Why not just dig a hole and wait for death to seize our bodies? (Please don't take that as a morbid statement, but understand that there is more to life than avoiding confrontation!) We're called to live our lives in unity- and as any member of a family knows, unity is pinnacle. Lack of unity is the equivalent of destruction within any body of people. We've got to have each other's backs even when the going gets tough- out of love.

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

(Ephesians 4:15-16 ESV)

Love in Christ,

Laura

Sinking Ship

"If grace is an ocean, 

 we're all sinking."

Thank God for grace. Every day that I am breathing in air (which is most days) I am keenly aware of my state of being. It makes me thankful for His grace. Facing my shortcomings in full knowledge of His grace and love is hard enough, but without His grace, facing my shortcomings might lead to the very end of me. But it is there, and it is prominent in my heart. 

I have had my share of struggles so far in life and I am well aware that there are many more to come. I have faced having to deal with long-term hurt from my biological mother. I have had to deal with the ups and downs that come with growing up, just like everyone else in this world, in unison with specifically difficult situations. I have watched family members, best friends, walk away from so much. I have watched them give themselves over to darkness completely. All around me, broken relationships, people enabling each other to live a life of empty self-satisfaction. I am still watching these things go on, as I am sure they will continue.

I have made my own mistakes- giant ones! Mistakes I am still trying to recover from. Mistakes that I was warned against, and yet, gave in to my own reasoning and desire to satisfy mySELF. 

In my heart, I have released a lot of bitterness and hatred toward those who have hurt me and who have hurt the ones I love. I have given it up as a burden to my sweet Jesus. I am not perfect- I still struggle with the normal flux of emotions that come with the very nature of these problems and struggles. However, the overbearing, controlling, and mood-dictating holds that used to burden my heart are no more. They have been lifted and tossed away. And not by my own means, either. 

It is only by the grace of my loving God that I have been able to be freed from the burden of hurt and the chains of self-indulgence. My struggles are no longer centered around what someone has done to me, or done to someone I love; however, my struggles are presently within. I struggle with grasping the fact that God loves me AS IS. I literally have no ability to accept this fact. I used to hate myself; loathe my imperfection. I hated that I couldn't just "get better." Until I found out that it isn't about "getting better." Yes, we are called to sanctification. Yes, we are called to grow in knowledge and wisdom and grace. Does this mean that God doesn't love us until we meet those standards? NO! Not at all! God loves us while we're falling. He loves us while we run away from Him. He loves us enough to chase after us, even while dragging His very name through the mud! My soul cannot grasp this. 

I can't understand it no matter what I do. But it has brought a peace to my heart like no other. I used to be so stressed when I would mess up, even when it was something petty and insignificant. Ask anyone, especially my family, I am the queen of saying "I'm sorry." ALL THE TIME. It's like some psycho defense mechanism or something- like I am constantly surrounded by my own imperfections, so I just jump to apologizing, many times, unnecessarily. 

This used to be a huge portion of my struggle, and even now it is hard to battle. It is an every day, conscious effort, to be okay with the fact that God loves me despite me. It probably has to do with the fact that I am a "doer." And I am legalistic in my tendencies. Give me instructions, a rule, something to do, and I eat it up. I love coloring in the lines. To know that God loves me no matter what I do and that I cannot make Him love me more because He already loves me as much as He possibly can leaves me with nothing to do, no rules to follow, no authority figure to please. I am the older brother from the Prodigal Son story; I follow the rules, but my heart is in the wrong place. Matt Chandler likens this picture to a parent changing their child's diaper. It's disgusting and you don't really enjoy it, but it doesn't make you love your child any less. Equally, that child really can't do anything to make you love him more. As he grows up, you'll face new messes to clean up after him- and it's expected. God knew what He was getting into when He made me His child. He knew about every mess, past, present, and future that He'd be cleaning up after me. And He has loved, is loving, and will love me the same every day before my life, every day of my life, and every day of my life past death. No matter what I do or do not do. 

Moral of the story. We can't be perfect. But rest easy. The God of the Universe brought (and bought) you into His family, as a first-born son. He knows you. He knows you'll fall, but He grabs you up into His arms, and sets you back on the path every time. His grace is SUFFICIENT. And there is NO CONDEMNATION for His beloved. So instead of fighting for perfection as I tried, realize your state and fight for HIS GLORY. That's the good fight.

"If grace is an ocean, 

we're all sinking."

Love in Christ,

Laura

Related: Check out Tim Keller's sermon, "Prodigal Sons," free on itunes! 

                Matt Chandler's Colossians sermon series, "Three Streams" sermon.

READ: Romans 6-8 (to gain a deeper understanding of the grace/law, flesh/spirit battle.)